graduation to greece

crap i failed at life! not a single post since february.. life flew by i guess, and i had plenty of people to discuss things with and didn't need to rant via keyboard.

semester highlights?
SoCal with RCSA in March, Spring Break in Vegas (for like, a week), Dalai Lama, Al Gore talking, and tons of random stuff that I honestly can't recall right now. See Facebook pictures. But in between, Bear's Lair (a lot), cooking then eating then drinking then oversleeping, lots of day drinking, graduation celebrations (Beer Olympics woot), and then packing up my apartment and flying out the day after graduation. So crazy... didn't have time to really clean it, but I did patch all the holes up.

I've actually written in a paper journal today, so I'm kind of insighted-out. But, the idea of graduation is still nagging me. It's something that I can't wrap my head around, and maybe never will. Since I want to be a lifelong student! Ha.

What is graduation, to me? What do I want to do with life? Does it really matter to think about these issues, am I going to end up doing a given job, no matter how much I ponder about things? I've begun to lose faith in the power of my own free will. I feel like things will end up how they're meant to. Or do I unconsciously alter my preferences as time goes by and sacrifice ideals or old dreams, in order to fit what's easiest?

I have a problem. I confuse big picture with little picture. I am an Idealist, but very detail-oriented. For example, big picture: save the world. Serve in Peace Corps and live in a country that you would otherwise never visit. Have unique life experience and grow as a person. Deal with hardship and forget that I won't be making money. Small picture: need job to support oneself. Stay in Bay Area and hang out with familiar friends. Everyone else is job hunting now and facing difficulties, I'm just the same. If fail, get part time job unrelated to major or move home.

I'd like to be a big picture person, but it's hard. When I start to think through logistics and reasoning, I get anxious because it's hard to see it all working out. Or that it would be a good decision (will I get homesick? Will my friends forget me? Will I die of malaria?). The big picture ideas always seem less and less appealing as their time approaches. As I realize I would be leaving in a couple months, I freak out. It scares the shit out of me actually. Where did all my excitement and courage go? Which is truly how I feel? I'd like to think I can disconnect myself from email, gchat, facebook, microwaves, tv, and flush toilets for the sake of improving another person's life and sharing my knowledge with those in need. And it seems selfish to want more time to prepare. Or maybe I mean, more time to delay the inevitable. Maybe more time to think it over, say goodbye, and indulge in my favorite things before leaving would only make it harder. Does enjoying more and more of a good thing make it worse when it leaves? Or, does it hurt all the same...

I think this time factor does play a part. Even then, sometimes hurting more is okay. Means you were that much happier earlier. Sigh. See paper journal.

Alright, so onto Greece. I left Monday, May 25. Flew SFO to Miami to Madrid. Walked around Madrid (long layover), then flew to Athens. Leonidas met me at the airport, but the mean travel service staff wouldn't give him a ride, so we literally said hi for 5 minutes. boo rules. Then, went to Nafplio, Olympia, Delphi, Meteora, back to Athens, and now I'm on Naxos, the biggest Peloponese island. It's nice. We rented a car for the first four cities. I thought I was going to die. Greeks turn two way roads into four lanes, driving in the breakdown lane when not passing, and sharing the middle of the road to pass. But we survived. Steve's from Boston? Nafplio was a nice little town, saw the REAL Greek Theatre nearby (Epidavros). Olympia was ok, saw where the Olympic games were held, I liked the stadium and just sat there on the grass in the sun for a while. Wasn't really feeling it that day. Delphi was interesting too, very small town on side of steep mountains. Crazy view. Saw Apollo's Temple (Delphic Oracle).. I really wish the Delphic Oracle was still there, so she could tell me my future! Gyros for lunch were the cheapest and best food yet (2.5Euro). Meteora was impressive also, huge rocks formed when it used to be a lake, I guess. Monasteries built atop. Religious stuff inside, I wasn't really down. In Athens, met up with Leonidas and walked around! Been 9 months, but feels like yesterday we were in Hong Kong livin' the life of a Poly-Day IAESTE intern. Then ate dinner with my parents and met up with Anisia! Very entertaining dinner, to say the least. Too much wine and too many inappropriate topics for my virgin ears. Walked around Athens and went to a bar with Leonidas and Anisia.. had some ouzo. Eh, not my fave. Maybe when I'm not already wine drunk I can build up my ouzo tolerance... tbd this weekend. Slept for a couple hours, then got up to go to Ferry at 6am to Naxos. KTFO and awoke to see a beautiful island. Our resort here is sweet; free internet = me blogging also! Finally bought that journal, so I can clear my mind and begin to fully enjoy this trip. I really wish I had a buddy! It's boring walking by myself or with my parents sometimes. And when I see vacationing happy couples, I want to kickbox them. Or I see groups of friends travelling together that are my age, I want to join them. Everybody smokes, and I suck at working up the nerve to speak in Greek. Parakalo, Efharisto, and llamas malakas! People are very friendly, much nicer than other European countries. Weather is decent, not as hot as I expected.

Things to buy: Greek shoes, nice sunglasses, better tennis shoes?

Things to remember to do: pictures, pictures with people in them, blog, journal, figure out life plan, try new things, dance, enjoy life and stop thinking so much.

Oh college graduation. What has Berkeley given me? More than I can probably list off, but then, several large disappointments. Jaded attitude, no job, and no plan. In a book I read, Papillon, about convicts in French New Guinea prisons, 'plan' was the code word for a small tube with money used to buy things/bribe people in prison, hidden up their asses. Sometimes I think of that, and the word 'plan' just doesn't seem right. So, I guess I mean, career path.

I just need to take a job, any job. Making bombs to kill babies or saws to cut down the rainforest. Whatev. Sell soul to devil. Fucking economy. I was so much happier before shit went down. Why should the economy affect my emotions? That's ridiculous. Even if nothing had crashed, it's quite possible I would be in the same position I am in right now. The difference is, I'd still have hope and energy. Why don't I have those anymore? I like my life alright at this point; I'm in fucking Europe for another month and a half! But, something isn't right. Isn't right at home, or with me. Not sure what it is. I guess I haven't found my passion. My purpose in life. Not like anyone else has. But, I'd like to know it nonetheless.

I think the theme to graduation is 'burnout and the end to an era'. I worked so hard (well, not in this last semester, but I worked hard previously in order to have a chill last semester), and this is all I get? Tons of lost opportunities and rejection left and right. Yay Berkeley. Where no one cares that you care.

I am so bitter right now! What's my problem? I keep asking myself that.. I can't seem to enjoy myself, anywhere! If I don't have one thing, I just want another. If I'm not with friends in Berkeley, I want my HK Intern friends. If I don't want to live in America, I don't want to be travelling in Greece with my parents right now. I need to take a chill pill. But, when no one's like me and there's nothing to laugh about all day, it's hard to be chipper. Bottom line, it doesn't matter where you are. If you're not with friends and people you love, nothing will seem right. Hopefully that will change soon when I start my own adventures and the rents fly home. Sorry parents, it's not your fault at all. It's just, we're different. Parents are like anyone else. Think of them as peers. Would you befriend people like that? For some, that's a resounding 'yes' and people end up besties with their mom/dad forever. For some, that's a 'hell no'. Genes or not, we have different styles. No one said we have to be friends.. just agreeable to each other is all I expect.

Maybe I can't disconnect myself from the internet and modernity. But maybe it's not the convenience I can't live without, but the people. Not having a quick, easy way to contact friends or just know what's going on with them is frustrating. It all comes down to people. See paper journal. College is about people too. That's the most important and memorable part of all my experiences anyway. People are special. Especially my special people. Hard to face life without them. Hm. I should delve into this issue later; don't want to cry in public room in resort. Though, it's 2am and all the oldies are sleepin. Too many old people around here. It's like PG all over again, but in swimsuits.

We ate Tex Mex tonight; not bad. Tacos! "Super Spicy Sauce" not really that spicy. Lame sauce.
Well I hope to tan tomorrow. Doubt I'll go topless though, not really my style.

And a picture.. I guess I'm the new Delphic Oracle: