"real world"

so i super failed at life and haven't written anything in a long, long time... So after a few more interviews and living at home for a month, I got a job in san diego and moved down here in October. I've been working (slaving) the working man's life ever since. I'm not sure if no one told us that working life isn't all it's cracked up to be.. or if I just have selective hearing. It's hard, the transition is much harder than that to college for sure. It's lonely, and I don't have enough time to meet new people, let alone build fruitful relationships in the few hours I have to myself every day. Sad face.

But on the bright side............. I'll recap the good things that have happened. So I moved down to SD the last week of september.. lived with jake at hotel rhee for a while, then found a house that had two rooms for rent; one for me, one for dave. i hated the place. looooong story. we called it roxy's poo farm. i associate it with bad memories, cold winters, smelly pot, depression, big tv, and dirtiness. so in january we found an apartment in del mar! i really like my apartment! its clean, and dave and i have our own bathrooms and a big living room.. i got steve's furniture from his LA apt, so fully furnished for the price of a u-haul rental! and it's a walk to the beach :) i signed up for surfing lessons, tba later.. been trying to pick up guitar (kinda lost momentum recently), go out sometimes/dave and i just drink here... that's the usual. having a nice place to come home to that's clean, relaxing, and quiet is something i should remember to not take for granted.

as for fun weekend recaps..... winter was tough, didn't do that much except work and hell drive through the nights to ojai and pg for thanksgiving and xmas. then had a fun vegas weekend in january! only snowboarded once this season; damn so cal. went to the poinsettia bowl, saw berkeley lose :( in december.. then in march had my project kickoff which was a ton of work. then immediately went on vacation (so, now im in vacation debt at work..) to chile/argentina to visit jake and kristen! Twas awesome! Bike & Wine was my fave in Mendoza.. also enjoyed natural hot springs outside Mendoza, day drinking, steak eating, having the travel bug bite me AGAIN as expected... sigh. i have a very ambitious travel plan. all the people you meet at south american hostels are people traveling for years at a time. between school and work, or just life-crisis traveling, or whatnot. so jealous. im there for two weeks, totally not worth it. recently i went to SF for a weekend which was a lot of fun to see everyone! I miss it. I miss my old life, a lot. It's awkward being in Berkeley, but the intense nostalgia i experience is extremely overwhelming. maybe if i went back to HK it'd be similar... a time and place so sweet and happy, yet can never be again. but anyways, i'm onto a new chapter in life and should really start focusing on networking here and settling in/finding a new group of friends.

but alas, i am who i am. i like adventures and don't think, if i look back at my life, i will regret taking advantage of random opportunities. need mas tiempo to travel........ and as for now, the plan is to get my hands on a large sailboat, and sail away with jake and one more crewmember (experienced, preferably) to Baja next November - June. Then, i guess try and find a job and live off whatever money i have left in SD. It's hard for me to really comprehend, but at the end of the day jake is right. life is too short to be unhappy. there are alternatives to workworkwork. you can work somewhere that you enjoy! you can have an alternative lifestyle. you can be your own boss, or do a startup, or work odd jobs. i think i just need more faith in myself and my abilities. And if sailing doesn't work out, then I'd like to apply to grad school. i have a lot of free time these days (compared to when i was in school), so i should have enough time to research programs/schools i'd like to attend. Perhaps IEOR, MBA, (Social) Entrepreneurship, Engineering, or even behavioral economics-type programs are what currently seem to be my biggest interests. The thing that scares me the most is the insane debt i'll have to take on. it's quite stressful to think of paying that off for years, but, would probably be worth it! I was also considering Ph.D programs, so they'd pay for school. I still get a lot of grad school emails/letters, perhaps i should sort through them again..... And the point of that is that... if sailing doesnt happen, i'll keep saving up my money and travel for 1.5 years before going to grad school (i'll have to defer for a year i guess.. sh dont tell the schools that)

want to see my CRAZY travel idea? Ok. So, apply to grad school maybe 9/2011, hear back by 3/2012. Then... quit job and go to the places where you get the best bang for your buck; travel for 1.5 years. See the areas that will inspire me in grad school. Inspire me for social entrepreneurship ideas, or just international exchange even if i do a more engineer-ey program.
3/12-5/12. Eastern Europe. Turkey, Croatia, Greece
6/12-10/12. Southeast Asia
11/12-12/12. Buenos Aires. School and private Spanish tutoring lessons.
1/13-4/13. Volunteer/Work in SA
5/13-6/13. South America, Travel northward
7/13-9/13. Central America

9/2013. Go to grad school somewhere... ideally, mit, ga tech, michigan, stanford, ucla, columbia.... we'll see! at this point anywhere i'd get a scholarship would be great. Then, get a Masters from 9/13-6/15. Maybe Ph.D from 8/13-6/19? I'll be 32, that's pretty crazy. I kind of wonder if that's too ambitious. And more likely than not, my plans will change drastically. And if no Ph.D, go back to work 2015-2020. Then start my own business by 2020. Save the world. Hire all my smart friends. Implement work schedule that includes a lot of time off for creative recharging (proven to increase productivity). Charge hard and make something from nothing. Sell it for lots, or keep it private and have large profits. Start a nonprofit, and continue running that for the rest of my life. It's proven you live longer if you have something thats like a job when you get to be old. Retiring=no point to life. So, never retire. In between school/work years, finish all my travel dreams! Maybe have a kid somewhere in there too...... just take 'em papoose style with me wherever. yup. that's my life plan. phew it's nice to write it out. it's like social pressure i put upon myself to ensure i actually go through with it and don't end up a couch potato.

well now that i wrote about fun stuff, i dont really want to write about work. the day goes by fast and i like the people. no traffic on my commute, and flexible schedule. going good so far. learned a lot, but would like to learn more; something every day. starting to tutor part time to make extra money and have some intellectual/academic stimulation, despite being High School level. haha. so now it's late and i need to sleep.. i should write in here more; helps me see my progression and reminds me how hard i've worked to get here.. so it's no time to give up now.

SD. Vegas. South Carolina. Argentina. SF reunion. Seaworld (Shamu)

no more nomad

so.. right now, i find myself in my parent's house, surrounded by only a few boxes and using my old laptop, since my new one doesn't agree with our router. somehow, i have managed to get to my 'last resort' post grad plan.. living with the parents without any for sure plans. awesome go me.

but maybe i should recap since june 1. location wise:

greece, copenhagen, paris, zurich, bern, nurnberg/erlangen, vienna, amsterdam, brussels, dublin, edinburgh, london, and barcelona. then all of a sudden, its july 17 and i'm exhausted after 38 hrs of travelling home. i had a great time.. hard to really describe. seeing all my friends (i think i hit up ~15), getting a local's view of the cities, lots of beer, and sharing some good times.. most of which i documented. some of which i regret i forgot to take pics as usual.. damn. but in any case, around 2000 pictures and $2000 later.. i am back at home as if i never left. time flies you know?

but i should also recap another big decision: peace corps. cut to the chase: i ended up saying no. why? i will never know... never know... i had 10 days to decide, then had it extended to monday, july 20. so that turned it into 1 day to read through the materials, talk with friends/family, and make the biggest decision of my life thus yet. and unfortunately, i blame friend-sickness and just wanted to settle back in at home before leaving on a new venture.. i get cold feet the night before and decline my invitation to serve in tanzania as a secondary school math teacher, leaving sept. 21. what was i thinking? i've been wanting this for so long. and last minute, i say no! its all a blur to me now. but i felt so undecided at the time; no gut feeling either way. and i'd rather be 'safe' and say no, instead of leaving and then not finishing my service. ah, sucks being a moral person. i think about other people before myself. the selfish option would have been to say 'yes' and keep the option open. but at the time, my mind just wasn't right, i honestly wasn't thinking straight. i had delusions of returning to berkeley to join friends and that it'd be just like it was before. but obviously, everything has changed. if people haven't moved on to different locations and jobs, they have different friends and new things in their life. everything's changed. and in the past few weeks, i realized i have changed too. just wish, regret with all my heart, i had realized that before july 20. i could have been going to africa in a month! i blame no one but myself obviously, but i just wish one person, just one friend i had called or family member, just one person had talked to me straight. 'its not my decision, you have to decide this for yourself' is some bullshit. i needed just one person to say 'you cant do this, are you kidding?' or 'of course you can do this! you'll be great and have an awesome time!' but no one would talk fucking straight to me. and look where i am now, regretting this decision for the rest of my life. perfect.

well, after making the worst decision of my life, i continued to be a nomad. not sure why; just needed to check in with friends, have a bit more travel til i start interviewing for jobs seriously? or have some time to think about other options besides just starting to work. so.. i went to berkeley for a few days, drove to my dad's then spent a week on a family vacation in niagara falls/adirondacks cabin (reflection time KILLED me), went to san diego (helped jake fix his boat and stayed at his hotel of a house), LA for Hard (didn't happen), then back up to Berkeley for almost two weeks, living in derek's room/applying to jobs/working out a lot. its strange how fast a day goes by when you have nothing to do. you busy yourself with random shit, TV, car battery dying, bars, lunches, cooking, cleaning, running with BKim, and chatting. sigh, the last time i'll live in berkeley. but i think everything happens for a reason. in my last couple weeks, i was finally able to close a difficult-to-close chapter of my life. the neighborhood seemed foreign, and everywhere i saw a stupid freshman or lame-o college student. ha, i'm above that. ha. in any case, the bums seemed anew and shitty ass apartments no longer special. i want a new life, a new challenge, and to start over again. i dont think i really want to be a new person, but i want to move on and feel the excitement of moving forward.

its sort of a tiny bit nice to be at home.. i keep telling myself i need to refocus. its true though. refocus on what i want to do as a job, my job search in general, and how i want to keep the special people i have in my life. if that makes sense. and even though i dont really have tasks on hand that need to be completed like i did during school, the constant worry of getting a job, health insurance, working out, keeping in touch with friends, thinking about grad school, using my network to get a job, deciding where to live, and so forth keep me down. to be perfectly honest, two weeks ago, i was the most depressed i have been for a very, very long time. 'i just waste other people's oxygen'-kind of depressed. i think thats what happens when you dont have goals. nothing to look forward to. in combination with failing at life left and right (no job, no africa, no friends, no home), its quite hard to maintain a happy demeanor. even my mania moments ('travel/volunteer in south america and learn spanish then go back to school!') soon fade. it doesnt help to get the 'job' talk from parents. i feel like an angsty teen -- 'they just don't understand! they don't understand how hard it is to get a job!'. but it's true.. i've never been rejected this much from anything before in my life. you try your best, study the companies, say all your accomplishments and goals.. then nothing. i feel like i'm doing something wrong. but i don't want to lie in an interview or resume, i am who i am. and there just has to be somebody out there that will hire me.

i just can't believe how berkeley left us out to dry. i can't even access the career center job listings, i'm using a friend's login. can't go to the career fairs either.. unless i buy a special one year package. wtf is that shit? some other recent grad, i heard, is suing her school for doing this sort of thing and letting her down in the job search. i agree.. resources could be a lot better! but even my professor said, they usually get a bunch of emails from alumni asking for new hires in our dept., but this year.. hardly any. sucks!

but i dunno. i'm trying to keep a positive outlook in this all. i definitely have taken this off-time forgranted! it's like my summer vacation, but the stress of job searching has ruined it! i've also learned that time is everything. and everything takes time. emotions, especially. i can be such an emo kid. i know i take things personally and really hard, but sometimes the seeming 'finality' of things hits me really hard. the idea of the end of something is extremely scary. not seeing someone again, not being in this place again, not having these feelings again? i hate it! i don't want to lose anything or anyone. or have to end something before its time has come. there are just certain things that you can just tell, only are supposed to happen for a short period of time, where lives cross temporarily and that's all you get. but there are others that you just know are meant to last, destined to cross again or are worth working for. i don't trust my intuition as much anymore, after the peace corps fiasco, but i think i should try to. because its all i got these days.

and so here i am, no longer a nomad. but not at home either. its just a continued limbo of sorts, but one where i don't want to go outside and see anyone i know! and although some things never change, a lot has... most of all, i don't like to see myself here. bleh.. please find me a job, please find me a job... i'll probably miss the good old days of unemployment and having free time once i do start working.. but at least i'll have a schedule. and hopefully a new city, and new experiences!
alright, pictures?

athens club with leonidas and anisia. paris.. good day.










vienna crew. sleepin on an edinburgh train.

graduation to greece

crap i failed at life! not a single post since february.. life flew by i guess, and i had plenty of people to discuss things with and didn't need to rant via keyboard.

semester highlights?
SoCal with RCSA in March, Spring Break in Vegas (for like, a week), Dalai Lama, Al Gore talking, and tons of random stuff that I honestly can't recall right now. See Facebook pictures. But in between, Bear's Lair (a lot), cooking then eating then drinking then oversleeping, lots of day drinking, graduation celebrations (Beer Olympics woot), and then packing up my apartment and flying out the day after graduation. So crazy... didn't have time to really clean it, but I did patch all the holes up.

I've actually written in a paper journal today, so I'm kind of insighted-out. But, the idea of graduation is still nagging me. It's something that I can't wrap my head around, and maybe never will. Since I want to be a lifelong student! Ha.

What is graduation, to me? What do I want to do with life? Does it really matter to think about these issues, am I going to end up doing a given job, no matter how much I ponder about things? I've begun to lose faith in the power of my own free will. I feel like things will end up how they're meant to. Or do I unconsciously alter my preferences as time goes by and sacrifice ideals or old dreams, in order to fit what's easiest?

I have a problem. I confuse big picture with little picture. I am an Idealist, but very detail-oriented. For example, big picture: save the world. Serve in Peace Corps and live in a country that you would otherwise never visit. Have unique life experience and grow as a person. Deal with hardship and forget that I won't be making money. Small picture: need job to support oneself. Stay in Bay Area and hang out with familiar friends. Everyone else is job hunting now and facing difficulties, I'm just the same. If fail, get part time job unrelated to major or move home.

I'd like to be a big picture person, but it's hard. When I start to think through logistics and reasoning, I get anxious because it's hard to see it all working out. Or that it would be a good decision (will I get homesick? Will my friends forget me? Will I die of malaria?). The big picture ideas always seem less and less appealing as their time approaches. As I realize I would be leaving in a couple months, I freak out. It scares the shit out of me actually. Where did all my excitement and courage go? Which is truly how I feel? I'd like to think I can disconnect myself from email, gchat, facebook, microwaves, tv, and flush toilets for the sake of improving another person's life and sharing my knowledge with those in need. And it seems selfish to want more time to prepare. Or maybe I mean, more time to delay the inevitable. Maybe more time to think it over, say goodbye, and indulge in my favorite things before leaving would only make it harder. Does enjoying more and more of a good thing make it worse when it leaves? Or, does it hurt all the same...

I think this time factor does play a part. Even then, sometimes hurting more is okay. Means you were that much happier earlier. Sigh. See paper journal.

Alright, so onto Greece. I left Monday, May 25. Flew SFO to Miami to Madrid. Walked around Madrid (long layover), then flew to Athens. Leonidas met me at the airport, but the mean travel service staff wouldn't give him a ride, so we literally said hi for 5 minutes. boo rules. Then, went to Nafplio, Olympia, Delphi, Meteora, back to Athens, and now I'm on Naxos, the biggest Peloponese island. It's nice. We rented a car for the first four cities. I thought I was going to die. Greeks turn two way roads into four lanes, driving in the breakdown lane when not passing, and sharing the middle of the road to pass. But we survived. Steve's from Boston? Nafplio was a nice little town, saw the REAL Greek Theatre nearby (Epidavros). Olympia was ok, saw where the Olympic games were held, I liked the stadium and just sat there on the grass in the sun for a while. Wasn't really feeling it that day. Delphi was interesting too, very small town on side of steep mountains. Crazy view. Saw Apollo's Temple (Delphic Oracle).. I really wish the Delphic Oracle was still there, so she could tell me my future! Gyros for lunch were the cheapest and best food yet (2.5Euro). Meteora was impressive also, huge rocks formed when it used to be a lake, I guess. Monasteries built atop. Religious stuff inside, I wasn't really down. In Athens, met up with Leonidas and walked around! Been 9 months, but feels like yesterday we were in Hong Kong livin' the life of a Poly-Day IAESTE intern. Then ate dinner with my parents and met up with Anisia! Very entertaining dinner, to say the least. Too much wine and too many inappropriate topics for my virgin ears. Walked around Athens and went to a bar with Leonidas and Anisia.. had some ouzo. Eh, not my fave. Maybe when I'm not already wine drunk I can build up my ouzo tolerance... tbd this weekend. Slept for a couple hours, then got up to go to Ferry at 6am to Naxos. KTFO and awoke to see a beautiful island. Our resort here is sweet; free internet = me blogging also! Finally bought that journal, so I can clear my mind and begin to fully enjoy this trip. I really wish I had a buddy! It's boring walking by myself or with my parents sometimes. And when I see vacationing happy couples, I want to kickbox them. Or I see groups of friends travelling together that are my age, I want to join them. Everybody smokes, and I suck at working up the nerve to speak in Greek. Parakalo, Efharisto, and llamas malakas! People are very friendly, much nicer than other European countries. Weather is decent, not as hot as I expected.

Things to buy: Greek shoes, nice sunglasses, better tennis shoes?

Things to remember to do: pictures, pictures with people in them, blog, journal, figure out life plan, try new things, dance, enjoy life and stop thinking so much.

Oh college graduation. What has Berkeley given me? More than I can probably list off, but then, several large disappointments. Jaded attitude, no job, and no plan. In a book I read, Papillon, about convicts in French New Guinea prisons, 'plan' was the code word for a small tube with money used to buy things/bribe people in prison, hidden up their asses. Sometimes I think of that, and the word 'plan' just doesn't seem right. So, I guess I mean, career path.

I just need to take a job, any job. Making bombs to kill babies or saws to cut down the rainforest. Whatev. Sell soul to devil. Fucking economy. I was so much happier before shit went down. Why should the economy affect my emotions? That's ridiculous. Even if nothing had crashed, it's quite possible I would be in the same position I am in right now. The difference is, I'd still have hope and energy. Why don't I have those anymore? I like my life alright at this point; I'm in fucking Europe for another month and a half! But, something isn't right. Isn't right at home, or with me. Not sure what it is. I guess I haven't found my passion. My purpose in life. Not like anyone else has. But, I'd like to know it nonetheless.

I think the theme to graduation is 'burnout and the end to an era'. I worked so hard (well, not in this last semester, but I worked hard previously in order to have a chill last semester), and this is all I get? Tons of lost opportunities and rejection left and right. Yay Berkeley. Where no one cares that you care.

I am so bitter right now! What's my problem? I keep asking myself that.. I can't seem to enjoy myself, anywhere! If I don't have one thing, I just want another. If I'm not with friends in Berkeley, I want my HK Intern friends. If I don't want to live in America, I don't want to be travelling in Greece with my parents right now. I need to take a chill pill. But, when no one's like me and there's nothing to laugh about all day, it's hard to be chipper. Bottom line, it doesn't matter where you are. If you're not with friends and people you love, nothing will seem right. Hopefully that will change soon when I start my own adventures and the rents fly home. Sorry parents, it's not your fault at all. It's just, we're different. Parents are like anyone else. Think of them as peers. Would you befriend people like that? For some, that's a resounding 'yes' and people end up besties with their mom/dad forever. For some, that's a 'hell no'. Genes or not, we have different styles. No one said we have to be friends.. just agreeable to each other is all I expect.

Maybe I can't disconnect myself from the internet and modernity. But maybe it's not the convenience I can't live without, but the people. Not having a quick, easy way to contact friends or just know what's going on with them is frustrating. It all comes down to people. See paper journal. College is about people too. That's the most important and memorable part of all my experiences anyway. People are special. Especially my special people. Hard to face life without them. Hm. I should delve into this issue later; don't want to cry in public room in resort. Though, it's 2am and all the oldies are sleepin. Too many old people around here. It's like PG all over again, but in swimsuits.

We ate Tex Mex tonight; not bad. Tacos! "Super Spicy Sauce" not really that spicy. Lame sauce.
Well I hope to tan tomorrow. Doubt I'll go topless though, not really my style.

And a picture.. I guess I'm the new Delphic Oracle:

singles awareness day

Oh no it's been too long! Failure.

Anyways, I should recap my life. Good stuff.

School started. Sometimes I go to class. Sometimes I'm on time.

In other news, the weekend is where it's at. Third weekend in Jan: went to horse races at Golden Gate Fields. Dollar days = quick beer buzz on empty stomach = bet correctly the winner and horse to place 3rd = net gain of $12. score. I believe this weekend also included Bears Lair, parties at Monica's, Thalassa? and ... and... basically, i didn't take pictures = memories gone.
Last weekend in Jan: bears lair? guac grilled cheese sandwiches. beer pong. superbowl at kristine's/beer pong domination. basically, a super healthy weekend..
Then, IAESTE Natl Conf in Baltimore Feb 4-8. Lots of fun! Very different from past conferences, because we didn't stick to ourselves and actually hung out with people from other schools. Got to tour around DC a bit: supreme court, capitol, library of congress. It was a bit of blur, as we didn't sleep on our red-eye, it was like 16 degrees outside, and lots of partying in the hotel! I was weary of going (for my third year in a row), but afterwards was very glad I went!
Second weekend in Feb: Kristen's bday, went to Pyramid!! Got tour of beer brewery, had samples!!, ate awesome pyramid burger/pitcher of apricot... so good. Then, went to Beckett's pub quiz..... The next night, went to SF to deep dish pizza place with ExComm and for Tiffany's bday, was pretty good! Little Star Pizza. Then, Friday did Bears Lair, Alumni Game, Raleighs, and continued the eating/watching movies/videos at Suruchi's apt. Saturday, Stanford game was the most incredible basketball game i've ever seen. Came back from down 20 to win it!!! I was screaming so much. Then, went to SF Pillowfight in Embarcadero. Thousands meet up randomly and have a pillowfight. Got some good hits in, although was pretty beat up by the end. Some people get really into it. Its also like a psychology experiment - if you stand out, people have mob mentality and gang up on you. Then, went to Yeh's for some pong. Late night Thai food/movies ensued. As for Sunday (3 day weekend!), met parents at Academy of Sciences in SF (after huge drama finding my phone/yelling outside Yeh's apartment in the rain). Unfortunately, slept through supposedly epic planetarium (dammit), and had a horribly scary drive home through torrential rains. Power went out, so went to friend's apartment for internet/drinking. Good times.
Now, it's Monday and there wasn't any class! But, it's been raining really bad the past few days, so it's depressing too. I got a lot of schoolwork done (180 writeups, 166 hw, film 50 research for a presentation on Hitchcock's Shadow of a Doubt, etc.). Also, ate a shit ton of chocolate and cookies that my brothers/fam sent from Ojai. Did some kb-ing and showed up the nubes in the class. Jk... My favorite kickboxing teacher has disappeared, but do not fear, she was replaced by someone almost as good.

PE resistance training is going ok.. I ran a lot a week ago (too much, probably) so I rested since then, at least that was my excuse. Reminder to self, don't randomly run like 7 miles without working up to it properly. I'm not really sure how off I am on my training, as Kristen's Marathon Training Google Calendar magically disappeared. I definitely have not been running as I'm supposed to!!! But, when I do, I can tell my stamina is a lot better. It's interesting how that works.

Hmm, I'm a little worried about this Hitchcock presentation. I hate being unprepared, so I guess that means I need to research/come up with interactive games/stimulating discussion questions. I like Hitchcock, so that's a start. Better than the musical we watched last week, Meet Me in St. Louis. I can appreciate (older) musicals on a certain level, but in all honesty they're too fake for me to truly say i like. I mean, if I met those characters in real life, I'd think they were on drugs or super fake. Everything ends up hunky dory - the people, scenery, plot are too perfect. Life is far from that. I guess a little escapism (bollywood anyone?) can be enjoyable, but in general i'm not a fan. just like how, in general, i'm not a country music fan. i can understand how people like these genres though. seeing a fantasy world, just experimenting with the idea of what life Could be like. In the same way that movies can end in shambles (requiem for a dream), they can end completely happy too. But, i feel that dark movies always make me think more and have more complex, interesting characters (crash). Maybe that means, I can just relate to dark people and stories better. Very probable.

I wish I had taken more fun classes! Why is college so short? Why didn't I learn a language? I wish I had a mentor (that had similar desires/personality as me) as a freshman that gave me advice. That's why I do all the outreach stuff for rcsa... telling HSers/freshmen how it really is. Telling young swe members how it is. Telling other undergrads to go abroad. I guess I have my causes. But anyways, I think my concern with mentors is, what if they're not the same type of person as me? What if, I either don't like their ideas and forget them, or listen to them and do something that I wouldn'tve on my own? Not that the latter is necessarily bad, there's plenty of things I've been forced/persuaded to do that I later appreciate. It all depends on your personality I guess. I'm not one to know myself perfectly or volunteer for things I'm unfamiliar with, so I guess I need a little push. But anyways, i'd buy into the idea that mentors are a good thing.

Well, not sure why I titled this singles awareness day. Just thought that was a funny acronym. I've never had a Valentine's Day anything. Not sure that I really should care. I don't think I do, though those nicely dressed couples cuddling on their way to dinner in SF (while I'm carrying a pillow ready to whack bitches for a couple hours) are kind of hard to ignore. Maybe when something happens to me on 2/14 in future years, it will be that much more special. Or, I'll continue to think it's a cliche, stupid holiday proposed by consumer goods manufacturers to make a little extra revenue after XMas and before next XMas. Hm, toss-up.

So, Jason Mraz - I'm Yours is pretty good. Along with Gym Class Heroes - Cookie Jar. I listen that to excite myself enough to get ready / go out / face the day. I've been looking for jobs, but I feel completely unmotivated. Completely. What's my problem? Shouldn't I be stoked to start my life? Real life? Apply all I've learned and make a difference? I feel like something is wrong right now. Something won't let me feel like I should. I know that most seniors have these senior moments and have no clue what they want to do with life. But, I should have at least some idea, right? Perhaps I don't like the idea of settling. And I don't like the idea of conforming. I usually don't ever feel entitled, to anything really, but for some reason I really don't like proving myself in job interviews and that whole game. And I'm losing faith in fate as for peace corps. If fate was on my side, I'd be matched right now, not delaying my medical check for 6 weeks because of a dumb mistake. So upsetting. Perhaps if I get another IAESTE internship (not likely...) I can leave for a long time. Get out of the states. But, I am stoked about summer. Greece May 25-June 4 with fam. Then, hopefully spend my savings by traveling through Europe (Greece, Germany, Austria, Denmark, Scotland, England, Ireland. Optional: Switzerland, Poland, Czech Republic, Spain). I sure hope I can realize these plans. I failed at visiting Mirelle in Mexico this winter break. I won't fail again. Just like the Fenton's Challenge: we're winners, and winners don't give up. Hopefully Dan will euro trip with me to quell my parent's fears. But, staying with friends should dramatically lower costs, and increase fun. Yay Ryan Air and trains! Then, end of July-August, family reunion in Great Lakes region. Pretty sweet, never seen Niagara Falls. Hopefully, I won't have to be working by then. I'm thinking, worst case scenario, Plan D: keep interviewing for jobs in the Fall, live in Bay Area working some sort of part time job? Plan C: working for Dad? Plan B: working on a startup idea? Plan A: peace Corps. Plan A 1/2: Get real job, start in Fall. We'll see. Life is hard. Esp when the economy is in the shits and no one wants to lower their expectations.

yay, capitol!
and mosh pit pillowfight...

go big

So.. school has started again. I really wanted to recap the past couple weeks though, because they've been pretty memorable!

Jan 7ish I drove back up to PG and went to a few Dr. appointments for Peace Corps stuff.. the dentist ladies were excited I could teach kids in Africa about proper brushing and flossing techniques. They will send me mass floss since it's probably hard to come by.
Jan 10th - turn 22. Strange age, not very exciting. Went out to Peter B's and Crown and Anchor in Monterey with Megan. Last call is like 1am and we went to Taco Bell. Monterey is lame...
Jan 11 - drove up to Berkeley and unpacked/organized my room/cleaned for like 15 hours through the night. Pretty sure I have OCD.
Jan 12 - 15 - went on snowboarding trip to Tahoe (Squaw) with 11 other people! It was great fun! Lots of drinking, hot tubs, 3 days straight boarding!, my knee is still a bit tight, cramming everyone/gear in two cars, In N Out, Truth or Dare, King's Cup, cooking mass quantities of food (cheap though), PB&J sandwiches at lunch, and pretty good weather.
Jan 16 - Bears Lair with the snowboarding people, drunk guacamole/chips and fried rice.. epic talks til 5am
Jan 17 - Birthday Night out in SF. Kristen, me, Sarah, Anu, Kevin, and Paget cram into my car and we finally get to Union Square around 10:15ish.. Luckily I prepartied perfectly so I was set all night (only had one Corona in the club). Bad part: line outside was huge so we waited for 2 hours and Megan and Audrey left before we got in! But, club was very nice inside, good music, and apparently I danced with a few people. I think I was tired from boarding and long talks.. Jack in the Box on the way home. Passed out on futon eating tacos and watching TV.
Jan 18 - 19 - drove home to PG for Dr's appointment on Monday (MLK Day). Had cioppino at Fish Market in SJ with mom and grandparents which was delicious, despite grandma's dementia and tot's very, very slow moving-ness. Poor grandma. Had nice Thai lunch with mom in downtown PG, did laundry/tried unsuccessfully to connect to the internet, and drove back up to Berkeley at night. I know 101 way too well from this drive and driving to my dad's. I seriously know every turn off, place to get snacks/gas, and other random sights to see on the way..
Jan 20 - first day of class. Got up early after a couple hours of sleep to watch the Inauguration on Sproul.. exciting! Went to class a little. Went to SF with Kristen, Anu, Anu's friend, and Paget to get free makeup at department stores and eat at Cheesecake Factory.. Awesome night. Though karma always comes around and we had to park/walk through Tenderloin. Then while going to meet everyone at Becketts later I took the wrong bus/chased after a bus so I was all sweaty. But Becketts was fun, though I'm no trivia help.

And today I woke very confused and half in my clothes - I guess I had more beer than I thought. But made it to PE Resistance Training, then 151, then Film 50. I think Film 50 will be an awesome class; though we had to watch 'window water baby moving' (someone giving birth, in an artsy way). sort of disturbing. remind me to adopt.
Then I hung around at the apartment trying to figure out how to do all these errands that never seem to end. I feel much less stressed out when I don't have a long To Do List. I bring it on myself though. And I wish I wasn't so fucking broke. I think about money almost as much as I think about losing weight, and that's a lot. So, I plan on selling my Bus Class Pass, am about to sell a few textbooks, and maybe get paid to answer surveys. Eh, maybe not the last one. And, I made a nice schedule for myself, including the Half-Marathon training, RSF classes I like to go to, and my PE classes. I don't think I'll make the tennis try-outs though, esp with my knee swelling not going down. I think it's because its raining. My knee is better than a barometer. If you've had surgery like this, you know what I mean.

I've done a lot of life reflecting recently so perhaps I don't need to vent it here! imagine that.

But I do need to keep my priorities straight this semester. No regrets allowed.
1. School
2. Job
3. Health
4. Club stuff...

Focus on keeping up in classes and all the projects. Focus on interviewing for jobs and/or peace corps stuff. Focus on training for the Half Marathon in April (!!!) and overall working out and eating good (kickboxing, tennis, resistance training, bike). And lastly keep up with club responsibilities, which I truly hope to shave down to like 6 hours a week max (much better than my usual, like, 20). And, in between all the above hang out with friends as much as possible, do all the things and see all the places on my berkeley bucket list, and have fun. Again, no regrets allowed.

I realized how much I enjoy snowboarding last week.
Must Go Again.

boring, good. easy, bad

Ah, I like being bored.

So I was thinking, I should recap my life for the past week. This is really exciting.

Mon Dec 29 - I forget. Most likely... read my book (Papillon). Played tennis with my dad. Fell asleep while I and the family watched Planet Earth (Caves).

Tues Dec 30 - Ran for an hour to Oak View. Couldn't find a water fountain around the baseball field/YMCA building. Shouldn't there be a public fountain near those kinds of facilities? Grocery shopped? Played Cribbage.

Wed Dec 31 - Drove to LA and met up with Ahrhan. Went to Together As One, had the time of my life :) . I got to dance to my heart's content .. like 8 hours. I wasn't quite decked out in the right clothing and felt a little bit too old for the crowd, but it didn't matter. Good time was had by all. Played Obama clips at the stroke of midnight - big year of change is here!

Thurs Dec 1 - Still at TAO til 6am. Place I was going to stay at in LA didn't work out so I drove home, got here around 7:30am. Stupid idea but nothing bad happened luckily and there wasn't any traffic. Showered and slept a couple hours. Forget what I did. Fell asleep while reading book at 7pm.

Fri Dec 2 - Slept in til like noon. 15 hours? I was more tired than I thought. Went to the theatres and saw Yes Man (Jim Carrey). Was pretty funny and the 'carpe diem'-ish themes definitely ring true. Finished book.

Sat Dec 3 - Got up late again. Painted rock climbing wall with fam in backyard. Went to Ventura and found jeans that actually fit, sweatshirt I'm wearing now, and headband (broke both my other ones). Watched The Producers (1968 version) - Mel Brooks is/was a pretty corny dude. Watched Zoolander on laptop.

Sun Dec 4 - Went to church. This must be some record - made it to church 3 times this break. Videotaped my little brother playing 6th grade basketball game. Played tennis with dad. Used very old racket that I regripped. Worked super good, perhaps because the grip is 4 1/4. I have small hands. It makes me sad to think, this whole time, I've been sucking because my racket's grip is too big. My serves were way better. Anyways, worked out in the gym. Ate meatloaf. Been working on a crossword all day that I'm about to go find if the parents haven't finished it yet. Did more work today for iaeste/rcsa... it's not that I have much work. It's just that it's always ongoing. Actually, the less work I have the less I work on it. Thus, I create this 'ongoing' aspect all by myself. Not a masochist, just lazy I guess. I think lazy is one of the worst things to be, just after evil. Wait, I'll look up the seven deadly sins and compare:

Lust (not that bad, unless we're talking incest/adultery/rape)

Gluttony (again, not that bad either. I look at it from the glass half full angle: it's a strength to have self control and sacrifice to give what you have in excess to those in need)

Greed (in today's society, more like a given. Working for more money is widely accepted and encouraged. But, to manipulate or steal goes a bit too far)

Sloth (AKA Lazy. Apparently, according to wikipedia it is 'considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than commission'. I beg to differ. Not utilizing one's talents is the ultimate disrespect to oneself and everyone who has given their time and energy to help you become the person you are today. Although there isn't a way to measure the disuse of a person's gifts at a given event or over the course of their lifetime.. I think deep down we all know when we're just being 'lazy'. And isn't a sin of omission just the same as one of action? It's even easier to do. And maybe I'm crazy, but I always find the best things were the hardest to do. Not that committing a particularly difficult sin means it is 'better'. More that living a easy life without difficult choices is too easy. And I mean easy with a negative connotation, like a prostitute. I guess my view is that living an easy life - whether sinful or virtuous - is undesirable. Even trust-fund babies had the option to make a life for themselves. A complicated, confusing life where nothing is black and white. That's when life isn't easy. That's the reality most of us face. And that's also what many of us try to escape. I understand why.. our mind naturally makes shortcuts and associations so we don't have to make the same decisions over again that we have already made. But, at what point does brain cruise control go too far and we stop thinking for ourselves? I guess I'll never know. All you can do is be aware of one's habit to slip into habits and always seek new stimuation. Or, just dream big and never give up)

Wrath (ok, I concede this is pretty bad. Perhaps the worst, since it leads to violence. Interesting.. suicide is like the ultimate expression of wrath inwardly, 'a final rejection of God's gifts')

Envy (medium bad-level. Sort of an extension of greed, but involves wanting another person to be depived of something. I don't like envious people at all. But, as long as they don't do anything they're only torturing themselves)

Pride (this one is tough. The original sin. The sin that always brings down the main character in all ancient plays. But, in today's world, like greed, it seems to be the norm. I like the word hubris better. I would agree though, in excess, hubris reaches a high bad-level. It leads to hatred and vanity. These are horrible traits. And according to wikipedia, hubris leads to all the other sins. Not sure if I believe that, but I'm sure there's a way to twist it around so it's true. If so, then it definitely has to be the worst sin)

So in conclusion, there is no conclusion. Just an exploration of ideas. I always tell myself, It's not the destination, but the journey that matters. Actually, I think that was my quote in the yearbook. When I think 'explore', I think 'research'. Yet I don't want to go into academia. Doesn't seem rewarding to write a 1000 page paper that, if I wrote it or not, did not change one person's life significantly. I guess that's why working and seeing tangible results seems more appealing. Yet, getting lost in a large company and again, having my work ultimately have no impact on anything is also scary.

Back to lighter subjects. Life is so great when you don't wear makeup every day and don't have a laundry list of responsibilities. I bit my lip really bad and it's still bothering me.. ugh. My knee is bothersome too. I really wish I had done rehab more diligently. That will be one of the greatest regrets of my life, most likely. I wish I could see into the future better. I will try to work on that.

Being around my brothers is a strange way to revisit my childhood. I think about things I haven't thought about in a long time. Middle/High school stuff. I think it's stuff I don't really want to think about. That's why I find it hard to dig up feelings and memories from those times. They're already buried. Or, I never had a good long term memory in the first place. Seeing my brother play basketball, I started to think about when I played soccer and basketball, played in band, did gymnastics, and my day to day life during elementary and middle school. I was so damn scared. So scared, all the time. Scared to mess up, meet new people, be embarassed. I misspelled words on purpose so I wouldn't have to be in the spelling bee. I hated solos with a vengeance. I can see where I got it. My mom made me take swimming lessons as a kid til I was at the synchronized swimming level, to alleviate her fears of me drowning. I wish there were pills I could've taken to get rid of my self-consciousness. That time would have been so much more enjoyable if I realized no one gives a crap about what you do, say, and look like. It's hard being a pre-teen/teenage girl. But I didn't die so I guess I must be stronger from it all. If the saying's true.

But it's those kids that were so prideful that seemed to have no problem during these years. Again, committing the original sin seems to not be such a bad thing.

-----Two favorite Taos-----

Las Vegas: looking off the balcony from Tao. Awesome night.




















TAO: midnight on New Year's Eve.. a good view of the sea of crazy-ass kids. Also, epic night.

diner dash 2

so i just beat diner dash 2.. i live a sad life these days. i really did mean to write more often since i made this blog. now i'll try again, seeing as there's still a few more weeks left of winter break and thus i don't have anything, technically, to do.



perhaps i can recap since dec 6.. had a crapload of projects due all at once. didn't sleep. then had three finals within four days. didn't study that much but they went alright. got drunk. barely made it home in time to make my flight at the monterey airport, only to find it was delayed a day because it was the worst snow in Vegas in like 50 years. made it out to vegas thursday night, instead of wednesday evening so i didn't get to stay with crystal. was in vegas thursday - sunday... gambled a teeny bit and learned about craps. drank all friday day. saw cirque du soleil - KA -- was crazy! walking around was difficult because it was like 30 degrees. went to Tryst. got my wallet stolen and made the unfortunate choice to drink patron. was sick all saturday day and couldn't leave the hotel room because everyone else went out and i didn't have a hotel key or cash or cards to buy food, so i didn't get better til i ate at 7pm.. really sucks. went to tao that night, which was really fun though.. eventful. best part was meeting some vancouver boys with bottle service. they were really nice/naive. then sunday was waiting around to leave basically. monday went out to eat for my mom's birthday.. wine paired with four courses, was a really good french restaurant. hung around in pg and watched like 3 movies every day. so great. re-watched entourage 'joshua tree' episode. i highly recommend it. drove down to ojai tuesday. filled up gas tank for $18! had christmas here wednesday night and, thank god, got a new laptop thursday morning! ideapad u330 -- what i'm using right now. keys are a bit harder to push so i feel like i'm typing slower. and after i happened to play a free trial of diner dash 2; my old addiction came back and so i downloaded the full version. just beat it, finally. the internet is slow so i can't watch youtube or tv online. played tennis yesterday, going to take one of annie's old rackets and regrip it i guess. today, walked with lana on this really nice trail that has a view of ojai and watched wall-e.



sadly, my rough plans to visit mirelle in durango aren't going to work. ahrhan has no money. i have no money. i spent $470ish on vegas. stupid me. most of it was plane/hotel/show. i wish money wasnt an issue. but it always is. i keep thinking of schemes to make money -- selling back my books, applying to random scholarships, tutoring, getting mealpoints and saving up. im not going to work at equilar again spring semester for several reasons. i calculated i could make about $1400 working 12hrs/week. but, i would have no life, my days would be booked 9-6 every day basically. which leaves no free time gaps to schedule job interviews, group projects, etc. i think ideally i want to work somewhere i can study at the same time. too bad i didn't apply to be an SM or library booth sitter. i think they've already hired. crap.



it's strange, people's opinions on the peace corps. i think i've come to the conclusion that i shouldn't care what people think. which is hard for me. but, in general the people that are supportive are people that i like. people that i feel are like me and value the same types of things. its not that many people arent supportive, but those that seem not as excited are either really professionally, money driven. its not about success, its about happiness. because to be happy or to make other people happy is the goal, right? and i'm over trying to predict what life will hand me. i think i've changed a lot. i don't want to scan through every radio station and then pick the one that was playing the song i liked the most. i want to scan til i find a station that has something i like then stop. i dont want to need to know the other radio stations. plus, i get to listen to that song longer. if that makes sense. i want to be happy with what i have, not always trying to get better. in my brain, this idea connects with that of a career. i think the most life changing experiences are the results of something random. as long as i put myself out there and have options, something will come along and i'll just know. it'll just feel right. perhaps i have too much faith in my own intuition, but what else do we have? i know how to analyze something up and down, but in the end i think gut feelings always makes the best decisions. at least, ones you don't regret, no matter the outcome.



i think what i'm trying to say is that i feel i know what i want to do. i feel it more than i feel about other prospects, by far. and it's not to be an escapist or just put the difficult issues and decisions on the backburner. i really feel like this is what i was meant to do. yet, i will feel like a douche when i accept a stupid job offer in the next few months. perhaps i'm just subconsciously bombing all my efforts because my heart really isn't into it. that's a good excuse for the rents.



last night i was looking at old pictures til like 6am. im mentally preparing myself for graduation. but its still strange to look back and think of it as the past. although it does seem like a very long time ago i lived in dorms and didn't know how things worked in bezerkeley. i'm glad i've had such an eventful run. a while ago a couple people asked what i've been doing because my life is 'exciting and so i have a lot of crazy stories'. i never thought about myself like that. do i have a crazy life? it is pretty nonstop and the randomest things do seem to happen to me. i dont think i do. no more than any other 21 year old college student. work hard play hard. sunday-thursday friday-saturday. i dont think i've done homework on a weekend for a couple years now. i think i've made that rep for myself though. ever since high school i've been wanting to shed my shy, nerdy self. and august 05 thats exactly what i did, and i never looked back.



thats why i like to take pictures. i only remember the events a few years back, if i have photos. at least, free recall. otherwise, i need someone else to bring it up. sad. the mind is a precious thing. i think thats why my second biggest fear is forgetting. i would say, my first biggest is the unknown. unknown applies to lots of things, the future being the biggest and perhaps also death. but i dont think i 'fear' death, i just dont like the idea of not knowing. but as for forgetting, that scares me a lot. it ties into making an impact on the world and making my life worthwhile. i wish i had taken philosophy classes. though, they might've been rote memorization of someone else's bullshit and that wouldn't be helpful. i'll console myself with that. but yes, i had to grow up fast. see things that make you think about life - what it is, what is means to be alive, what to do about it. i guess it's something we all go through, just depends when. for me, early. for others, perhaps when they're 45 and have a mid life crisis. glad i already had mine. i hope.



i wonder what my third biggest fear is... i'll have to think about that. spiders, public speaking, rejection, failing... perhaps rejection. that encompasses a lot. I like the number 3. i've decided that i'm going to utilize 3's more often.. but i've always liked 3. when i wanted to be an artist as a kid, i made a symbol for myself kind of like a 3. i imagined it'd be what i branded on my cattle if i owned a ranch, too. but anyways, 3 is great for powerpoint bullets, memorizing 3 main points to emphasize, everything! its even in my email address. i was thinking about that the other day. completing my childhood dreams... what i wanted to be when i grew up: artist, movie director, financial businessperson, engineer. now, i'm IEOR and still don't know. perhaps i should be an artist like i always wanted, photographer or abstract painter. work for a movie studio on special effects then somehow become director. these dreams ended as i became more aware of money. all of a sudden i thought career meant making money. and movies arent that stable or have a clear career path. and now, i feel more drawn to social entrepreneurship. according to those personality tests that i was temporarily obsessed with a couple years ago, i should be a social worker. i'm an idealist/teacher. i dunno about the teacher part though, i'm actually quite worried that i'll suck as a teacher. i've had too many bad ones to not be scared of that. and, kids used to stare at me but in recent years they dont give me a second glance. ok, that sounds weird. basically, for example in restaurants i'd always notice the toddler or baby over the shoulder of a parent looking right at me. yes, i know kids do that, but i'd say they'd do that to me more than anybody else in the room. perhaps because i looked like a kid too. never quite figured that out. and in general, i just treat kids like they're adults, no matter how old. because when i was a kid, i didn't like being talked down to by adults. but, from an adult perspective, i think i need to have that special kid voice with them. make jokes, but easy ones. bargain, but with simple devices. take authority, when you don't have any actually. i dont know how to do that properly. i guess because i always appreciated interacting with adults that treated me as equal even if i was a fraction of their age.



hm i'm still unsure about the format of this blog. i don't like its unstructured-ness. perhaps i should google something that will throw out daily topics and then i can go off on tangents every day based on a word. its not that i cant think of any. its more that i want a theme.



i guess its nice getting to know oneself better. thats what the whole interview process does for you. but in the end, since we all change as we grow older, i dont want to convince myself that this is what i am. the more you identify yourself with something, the more you want it to be true. and on grey issues, you may end up siding just because you always have. but then again.. it is your choices that make you. so, its kind of a cycle. you make choices, choices make you want to be a certain way, you are a certain way because of these choices, and so on. crap. what if you jump into the wrong circle. cant really break out of this one it seems. unless you have a dramatic experience or intervention. moroccan christmas - the office.



too bad the land line doesnt work in here. not sure why it doesnt. i could be watching abc.com instead of playing diner dash 2. oh yeah i need to write out my life bucket list, and my berkeley bucket list. before i forget things like: learn to play guitar, niagra falls, skydive, build an island for the homeless.



alright my hair is wet and i need to get up at 830. i wish i could return to the good old days, when life was simple. no one tells you in 3rd grade to 'appreciate recess while you can kiddo! this'll be the last time you'll ever have such guilt-free, uncomplicated bliss for the rest of your life!'