no more nomad

so.. right now, i find myself in my parent's house, surrounded by only a few boxes and using my old laptop, since my new one doesn't agree with our router. somehow, i have managed to get to my 'last resort' post grad plan.. living with the parents without any for sure plans. awesome go me.

but maybe i should recap since june 1. location wise:

greece, copenhagen, paris, zurich, bern, nurnberg/erlangen, vienna, amsterdam, brussels, dublin, edinburgh, london, and barcelona. then all of a sudden, its july 17 and i'm exhausted after 38 hrs of travelling home. i had a great time.. hard to really describe. seeing all my friends (i think i hit up ~15), getting a local's view of the cities, lots of beer, and sharing some good times.. most of which i documented. some of which i regret i forgot to take pics as usual.. damn. but in any case, around 2000 pictures and $2000 later.. i am back at home as if i never left. time flies you know?

but i should also recap another big decision: peace corps. cut to the chase: i ended up saying no. why? i will never know... never know... i had 10 days to decide, then had it extended to monday, july 20. so that turned it into 1 day to read through the materials, talk with friends/family, and make the biggest decision of my life thus yet. and unfortunately, i blame friend-sickness and just wanted to settle back in at home before leaving on a new venture.. i get cold feet the night before and decline my invitation to serve in tanzania as a secondary school math teacher, leaving sept. 21. what was i thinking? i've been wanting this for so long. and last minute, i say no! its all a blur to me now. but i felt so undecided at the time; no gut feeling either way. and i'd rather be 'safe' and say no, instead of leaving and then not finishing my service. ah, sucks being a moral person. i think about other people before myself. the selfish option would have been to say 'yes' and keep the option open. but at the time, my mind just wasn't right, i honestly wasn't thinking straight. i had delusions of returning to berkeley to join friends and that it'd be just like it was before. but obviously, everything has changed. if people haven't moved on to different locations and jobs, they have different friends and new things in their life. everything's changed. and in the past few weeks, i realized i have changed too. just wish, regret with all my heart, i had realized that before july 20. i could have been going to africa in a month! i blame no one but myself obviously, but i just wish one person, just one friend i had called or family member, just one person had talked to me straight. 'its not my decision, you have to decide this for yourself' is some bullshit. i needed just one person to say 'you cant do this, are you kidding?' or 'of course you can do this! you'll be great and have an awesome time!' but no one would talk fucking straight to me. and look where i am now, regretting this decision for the rest of my life. perfect.

well, after making the worst decision of my life, i continued to be a nomad. not sure why; just needed to check in with friends, have a bit more travel til i start interviewing for jobs seriously? or have some time to think about other options besides just starting to work. so.. i went to berkeley for a few days, drove to my dad's then spent a week on a family vacation in niagara falls/adirondacks cabin (reflection time KILLED me), went to san diego (helped jake fix his boat and stayed at his hotel of a house), LA for Hard (didn't happen), then back up to Berkeley for almost two weeks, living in derek's room/applying to jobs/working out a lot. its strange how fast a day goes by when you have nothing to do. you busy yourself with random shit, TV, car battery dying, bars, lunches, cooking, cleaning, running with BKim, and chatting. sigh, the last time i'll live in berkeley. but i think everything happens for a reason. in my last couple weeks, i was finally able to close a difficult-to-close chapter of my life. the neighborhood seemed foreign, and everywhere i saw a stupid freshman or lame-o college student. ha, i'm above that. ha. in any case, the bums seemed anew and shitty ass apartments no longer special. i want a new life, a new challenge, and to start over again. i dont think i really want to be a new person, but i want to move on and feel the excitement of moving forward.

its sort of a tiny bit nice to be at home.. i keep telling myself i need to refocus. its true though. refocus on what i want to do as a job, my job search in general, and how i want to keep the special people i have in my life. if that makes sense. and even though i dont really have tasks on hand that need to be completed like i did during school, the constant worry of getting a job, health insurance, working out, keeping in touch with friends, thinking about grad school, using my network to get a job, deciding where to live, and so forth keep me down. to be perfectly honest, two weeks ago, i was the most depressed i have been for a very, very long time. 'i just waste other people's oxygen'-kind of depressed. i think thats what happens when you dont have goals. nothing to look forward to. in combination with failing at life left and right (no job, no africa, no friends, no home), its quite hard to maintain a happy demeanor. even my mania moments ('travel/volunteer in south america and learn spanish then go back to school!') soon fade. it doesnt help to get the 'job' talk from parents. i feel like an angsty teen -- 'they just don't understand! they don't understand how hard it is to get a job!'. but it's true.. i've never been rejected this much from anything before in my life. you try your best, study the companies, say all your accomplishments and goals.. then nothing. i feel like i'm doing something wrong. but i don't want to lie in an interview or resume, i am who i am. and there just has to be somebody out there that will hire me.

i just can't believe how berkeley left us out to dry. i can't even access the career center job listings, i'm using a friend's login. can't go to the career fairs either.. unless i buy a special one year package. wtf is that shit? some other recent grad, i heard, is suing her school for doing this sort of thing and letting her down in the job search. i agree.. resources could be a lot better! but even my professor said, they usually get a bunch of emails from alumni asking for new hires in our dept., but this year.. hardly any. sucks!

but i dunno. i'm trying to keep a positive outlook in this all. i definitely have taken this off-time forgranted! it's like my summer vacation, but the stress of job searching has ruined it! i've also learned that time is everything. and everything takes time. emotions, especially. i can be such an emo kid. i know i take things personally and really hard, but sometimes the seeming 'finality' of things hits me really hard. the idea of the end of something is extremely scary. not seeing someone again, not being in this place again, not having these feelings again? i hate it! i don't want to lose anything or anyone. or have to end something before its time has come. there are just certain things that you can just tell, only are supposed to happen for a short period of time, where lives cross temporarily and that's all you get. but there are others that you just know are meant to last, destined to cross again or are worth working for. i don't trust my intuition as much anymore, after the peace corps fiasco, but i think i should try to. because its all i got these days.

and so here i am, no longer a nomad. but not at home either. its just a continued limbo of sorts, but one where i don't want to go outside and see anyone i know! and although some things never change, a lot has... most of all, i don't like to see myself here. bleh.. please find me a job, please find me a job... i'll probably miss the good old days of unemployment and having free time once i do start working.. but at least i'll have a schedule. and hopefully a new city, and new experiences!
alright, pictures?

athens club with leonidas and anisia. paris.. good day.










vienna crew. sleepin on an edinburgh train.

graduation to greece

crap i failed at life! not a single post since february.. life flew by i guess, and i had plenty of people to discuss things with and didn't need to rant via keyboard.

semester highlights?
SoCal with RCSA in March, Spring Break in Vegas (for like, a week), Dalai Lama, Al Gore talking, and tons of random stuff that I honestly can't recall right now. See Facebook pictures. But in between, Bear's Lair (a lot), cooking then eating then drinking then oversleeping, lots of day drinking, graduation celebrations (Beer Olympics woot), and then packing up my apartment and flying out the day after graduation. So crazy... didn't have time to really clean it, but I did patch all the holes up.

I've actually written in a paper journal today, so I'm kind of insighted-out. But, the idea of graduation is still nagging me. It's something that I can't wrap my head around, and maybe never will. Since I want to be a lifelong student! Ha.

What is graduation, to me? What do I want to do with life? Does it really matter to think about these issues, am I going to end up doing a given job, no matter how much I ponder about things? I've begun to lose faith in the power of my own free will. I feel like things will end up how they're meant to. Or do I unconsciously alter my preferences as time goes by and sacrifice ideals or old dreams, in order to fit what's easiest?

I have a problem. I confuse big picture with little picture. I am an Idealist, but very detail-oriented. For example, big picture: save the world. Serve in Peace Corps and live in a country that you would otherwise never visit. Have unique life experience and grow as a person. Deal with hardship and forget that I won't be making money. Small picture: need job to support oneself. Stay in Bay Area and hang out with familiar friends. Everyone else is job hunting now and facing difficulties, I'm just the same. If fail, get part time job unrelated to major or move home.

I'd like to be a big picture person, but it's hard. When I start to think through logistics and reasoning, I get anxious because it's hard to see it all working out. Or that it would be a good decision (will I get homesick? Will my friends forget me? Will I die of malaria?). The big picture ideas always seem less and less appealing as their time approaches. As I realize I would be leaving in a couple months, I freak out. It scares the shit out of me actually. Where did all my excitement and courage go? Which is truly how I feel? I'd like to think I can disconnect myself from email, gchat, facebook, microwaves, tv, and flush toilets for the sake of improving another person's life and sharing my knowledge with those in need. And it seems selfish to want more time to prepare. Or maybe I mean, more time to delay the inevitable. Maybe more time to think it over, say goodbye, and indulge in my favorite things before leaving would only make it harder. Does enjoying more and more of a good thing make it worse when it leaves? Or, does it hurt all the same...

I think this time factor does play a part. Even then, sometimes hurting more is okay. Means you were that much happier earlier. Sigh. See paper journal.

Alright, so onto Greece. I left Monday, May 25. Flew SFO to Miami to Madrid. Walked around Madrid (long layover), then flew to Athens. Leonidas met me at the airport, but the mean travel service staff wouldn't give him a ride, so we literally said hi for 5 minutes. boo rules. Then, went to Nafplio, Olympia, Delphi, Meteora, back to Athens, and now I'm on Naxos, the biggest Peloponese island. It's nice. We rented a car for the first four cities. I thought I was going to die. Greeks turn two way roads into four lanes, driving in the breakdown lane when not passing, and sharing the middle of the road to pass. But we survived. Steve's from Boston? Nafplio was a nice little town, saw the REAL Greek Theatre nearby (Epidavros). Olympia was ok, saw where the Olympic games were held, I liked the stadium and just sat there on the grass in the sun for a while. Wasn't really feeling it that day. Delphi was interesting too, very small town on side of steep mountains. Crazy view. Saw Apollo's Temple (Delphic Oracle).. I really wish the Delphic Oracle was still there, so she could tell me my future! Gyros for lunch were the cheapest and best food yet (2.5Euro). Meteora was impressive also, huge rocks formed when it used to be a lake, I guess. Monasteries built atop. Religious stuff inside, I wasn't really down. In Athens, met up with Leonidas and walked around! Been 9 months, but feels like yesterday we were in Hong Kong livin' the life of a Poly-Day IAESTE intern. Then ate dinner with my parents and met up with Anisia! Very entertaining dinner, to say the least. Too much wine and too many inappropriate topics for my virgin ears. Walked around Athens and went to a bar with Leonidas and Anisia.. had some ouzo. Eh, not my fave. Maybe when I'm not already wine drunk I can build up my ouzo tolerance... tbd this weekend. Slept for a couple hours, then got up to go to Ferry at 6am to Naxos. KTFO and awoke to see a beautiful island. Our resort here is sweet; free internet = me blogging also! Finally bought that journal, so I can clear my mind and begin to fully enjoy this trip. I really wish I had a buddy! It's boring walking by myself or with my parents sometimes. And when I see vacationing happy couples, I want to kickbox them. Or I see groups of friends travelling together that are my age, I want to join them. Everybody smokes, and I suck at working up the nerve to speak in Greek. Parakalo, Efharisto, and llamas malakas! People are very friendly, much nicer than other European countries. Weather is decent, not as hot as I expected.

Things to buy: Greek shoes, nice sunglasses, better tennis shoes?

Things to remember to do: pictures, pictures with people in them, blog, journal, figure out life plan, try new things, dance, enjoy life and stop thinking so much.

Oh college graduation. What has Berkeley given me? More than I can probably list off, but then, several large disappointments. Jaded attitude, no job, and no plan. In a book I read, Papillon, about convicts in French New Guinea prisons, 'plan' was the code word for a small tube with money used to buy things/bribe people in prison, hidden up their asses. Sometimes I think of that, and the word 'plan' just doesn't seem right. So, I guess I mean, career path.

I just need to take a job, any job. Making bombs to kill babies or saws to cut down the rainforest. Whatev. Sell soul to devil. Fucking economy. I was so much happier before shit went down. Why should the economy affect my emotions? That's ridiculous. Even if nothing had crashed, it's quite possible I would be in the same position I am in right now. The difference is, I'd still have hope and energy. Why don't I have those anymore? I like my life alright at this point; I'm in fucking Europe for another month and a half! But, something isn't right. Isn't right at home, or with me. Not sure what it is. I guess I haven't found my passion. My purpose in life. Not like anyone else has. But, I'd like to know it nonetheless.

I think the theme to graduation is 'burnout and the end to an era'. I worked so hard (well, not in this last semester, but I worked hard previously in order to have a chill last semester), and this is all I get? Tons of lost opportunities and rejection left and right. Yay Berkeley. Where no one cares that you care.

I am so bitter right now! What's my problem? I keep asking myself that.. I can't seem to enjoy myself, anywhere! If I don't have one thing, I just want another. If I'm not with friends in Berkeley, I want my HK Intern friends. If I don't want to live in America, I don't want to be travelling in Greece with my parents right now. I need to take a chill pill. But, when no one's like me and there's nothing to laugh about all day, it's hard to be chipper. Bottom line, it doesn't matter where you are. If you're not with friends and people you love, nothing will seem right. Hopefully that will change soon when I start my own adventures and the rents fly home. Sorry parents, it's not your fault at all. It's just, we're different. Parents are like anyone else. Think of them as peers. Would you befriend people like that? For some, that's a resounding 'yes' and people end up besties with their mom/dad forever. For some, that's a 'hell no'. Genes or not, we have different styles. No one said we have to be friends.. just agreeable to each other is all I expect.

Maybe I can't disconnect myself from the internet and modernity. But maybe it's not the convenience I can't live without, but the people. Not having a quick, easy way to contact friends or just know what's going on with them is frustrating. It all comes down to people. See paper journal. College is about people too. That's the most important and memorable part of all my experiences anyway. People are special. Especially my special people. Hard to face life without them. Hm. I should delve into this issue later; don't want to cry in public room in resort. Though, it's 2am and all the oldies are sleepin. Too many old people around here. It's like PG all over again, but in swimsuits.

We ate Tex Mex tonight; not bad. Tacos! "Super Spicy Sauce" not really that spicy. Lame sauce.
Well I hope to tan tomorrow. Doubt I'll go topless though, not really my style.

And a picture.. I guess I'm the new Delphic Oracle:

singles awareness day

Oh no it's been too long! Failure.

Anyways, I should recap my life. Good stuff.

School started. Sometimes I go to class. Sometimes I'm on time.

In other news, the weekend is where it's at. Third weekend in Jan: went to horse races at Golden Gate Fields. Dollar days = quick beer buzz on empty stomach = bet correctly the winner and horse to place 3rd = net gain of $12. score. I believe this weekend also included Bears Lair, parties at Monica's, Thalassa? and ... and... basically, i didn't take pictures = memories gone.
Last weekend in Jan: bears lair? guac grilled cheese sandwiches. beer pong. superbowl at kristine's/beer pong domination. basically, a super healthy weekend..
Then, IAESTE Natl Conf in Baltimore Feb 4-8. Lots of fun! Very different from past conferences, because we didn't stick to ourselves and actually hung out with people from other schools. Got to tour around DC a bit: supreme court, capitol, library of congress. It was a bit of blur, as we didn't sleep on our red-eye, it was like 16 degrees outside, and lots of partying in the hotel! I was weary of going (for my third year in a row), but afterwards was very glad I went!
Second weekend in Feb: Kristen's bday, went to Pyramid!! Got tour of beer brewery, had samples!!, ate awesome pyramid burger/pitcher of apricot... so good. Then, went to Beckett's pub quiz..... The next night, went to SF to deep dish pizza place with ExComm and for Tiffany's bday, was pretty good! Little Star Pizza. Then, Friday did Bears Lair, Alumni Game, Raleighs, and continued the eating/watching movies/videos at Suruchi's apt. Saturday, Stanford game was the most incredible basketball game i've ever seen. Came back from down 20 to win it!!! I was screaming so much. Then, went to SF Pillowfight in Embarcadero. Thousands meet up randomly and have a pillowfight. Got some good hits in, although was pretty beat up by the end. Some people get really into it. Its also like a psychology experiment - if you stand out, people have mob mentality and gang up on you. Then, went to Yeh's for some pong. Late night Thai food/movies ensued. As for Sunday (3 day weekend!), met parents at Academy of Sciences in SF (after huge drama finding my phone/yelling outside Yeh's apartment in the rain). Unfortunately, slept through supposedly epic planetarium (dammit), and had a horribly scary drive home through torrential rains. Power went out, so went to friend's apartment for internet/drinking. Good times.
Now, it's Monday and there wasn't any class! But, it's been raining really bad the past few days, so it's depressing too. I got a lot of schoolwork done (180 writeups, 166 hw, film 50 research for a presentation on Hitchcock's Shadow of a Doubt, etc.). Also, ate a shit ton of chocolate and cookies that my brothers/fam sent from Ojai. Did some kb-ing and showed up the nubes in the class. Jk... My favorite kickboxing teacher has disappeared, but do not fear, she was replaced by someone almost as good.

PE resistance training is going ok.. I ran a lot a week ago (too much, probably) so I rested since then, at least that was my excuse. Reminder to self, don't randomly run like 7 miles without working up to it properly. I'm not really sure how off I am on my training, as Kristen's Marathon Training Google Calendar magically disappeared. I definitely have not been running as I'm supposed to!!! But, when I do, I can tell my stamina is a lot better. It's interesting how that works.

Hmm, I'm a little worried about this Hitchcock presentation. I hate being unprepared, so I guess that means I need to research/come up with interactive games/stimulating discussion questions. I like Hitchcock, so that's a start. Better than the musical we watched last week, Meet Me in St. Louis. I can appreciate (older) musicals on a certain level, but in all honesty they're too fake for me to truly say i like. I mean, if I met those characters in real life, I'd think they were on drugs or super fake. Everything ends up hunky dory - the people, scenery, plot are too perfect. Life is far from that. I guess a little escapism (bollywood anyone?) can be enjoyable, but in general i'm not a fan. just like how, in general, i'm not a country music fan. i can understand how people like these genres though. seeing a fantasy world, just experimenting with the idea of what life Could be like. In the same way that movies can end in shambles (requiem for a dream), they can end completely happy too. But, i feel that dark movies always make me think more and have more complex, interesting characters (crash). Maybe that means, I can just relate to dark people and stories better. Very probable.

I wish I had taken more fun classes! Why is college so short? Why didn't I learn a language? I wish I had a mentor (that had similar desires/personality as me) as a freshman that gave me advice. That's why I do all the outreach stuff for rcsa... telling HSers/freshmen how it really is. Telling young swe members how it is. Telling other undergrads to go abroad. I guess I have my causes. But anyways, I think my concern with mentors is, what if they're not the same type of person as me? What if, I either don't like their ideas and forget them, or listen to them and do something that I wouldn'tve on my own? Not that the latter is necessarily bad, there's plenty of things I've been forced/persuaded to do that I later appreciate. It all depends on your personality I guess. I'm not one to know myself perfectly or volunteer for things I'm unfamiliar with, so I guess I need a little push. But anyways, i'd buy into the idea that mentors are a good thing.

Well, not sure why I titled this singles awareness day. Just thought that was a funny acronym. I've never had a Valentine's Day anything. Not sure that I really should care. I don't think I do, though those nicely dressed couples cuddling on their way to dinner in SF (while I'm carrying a pillow ready to whack bitches for a couple hours) are kind of hard to ignore. Maybe when something happens to me on 2/14 in future years, it will be that much more special. Or, I'll continue to think it's a cliche, stupid holiday proposed by consumer goods manufacturers to make a little extra revenue after XMas and before next XMas. Hm, toss-up.

So, Jason Mraz - I'm Yours is pretty good. Along with Gym Class Heroes - Cookie Jar. I listen that to excite myself enough to get ready / go out / face the day. I've been looking for jobs, but I feel completely unmotivated. Completely. What's my problem? Shouldn't I be stoked to start my life? Real life? Apply all I've learned and make a difference? I feel like something is wrong right now. Something won't let me feel like I should. I know that most seniors have these senior moments and have no clue what they want to do with life. But, I should have at least some idea, right? Perhaps I don't like the idea of settling. And I don't like the idea of conforming. I usually don't ever feel entitled, to anything really, but for some reason I really don't like proving myself in job interviews and that whole game. And I'm losing faith in fate as for peace corps. If fate was on my side, I'd be matched right now, not delaying my medical check for 6 weeks because of a dumb mistake. So upsetting. Perhaps if I get another IAESTE internship (not likely...) I can leave for a long time. Get out of the states. But, I am stoked about summer. Greece May 25-June 4 with fam. Then, hopefully spend my savings by traveling through Europe (Greece, Germany, Austria, Denmark, Scotland, England, Ireland. Optional: Switzerland, Poland, Czech Republic, Spain). I sure hope I can realize these plans. I failed at visiting Mirelle in Mexico this winter break. I won't fail again. Just like the Fenton's Challenge: we're winners, and winners don't give up. Hopefully Dan will euro trip with me to quell my parent's fears. But, staying with friends should dramatically lower costs, and increase fun. Yay Ryan Air and trains! Then, end of July-August, family reunion in Great Lakes region. Pretty sweet, never seen Niagara Falls. Hopefully, I won't have to be working by then. I'm thinking, worst case scenario, Plan D: keep interviewing for jobs in the Fall, live in Bay Area working some sort of part time job? Plan C: working for Dad? Plan B: working on a startup idea? Plan A: peace Corps. Plan A 1/2: Get real job, start in Fall. We'll see. Life is hard. Esp when the economy is in the shits and no one wants to lower their expectations.

yay, capitol!
and mosh pit pillowfight...

go big

So.. school has started again. I really wanted to recap the past couple weeks though, because they've been pretty memorable!

Jan 7ish I drove back up to PG and went to a few Dr. appointments for Peace Corps stuff.. the dentist ladies were excited I could teach kids in Africa about proper brushing and flossing techniques. They will send me mass floss since it's probably hard to come by.
Jan 10th - turn 22. Strange age, not very exciting. Went out to Peter B's and Crown and Anchor in Monterey with Megan. Last call is like 1am and we went to Taco Bell. Monterey is lame...
Jan 11 - drove up to Berkeley and unpacked/organized my room/cleaned for like 15 hours through the night. Pretty sure I have OCD.
Jan 12 - 15 - went on snowboarding trip to Tahoe (Squaw) with 11 other people! It was great fun! Lots of drinking, hot tubs, 3 days straight boarding!, my knee is still a bit tight, cramming everyone/gear in two cars, In N Out, Truth or Dare, King's Cup, cooking mass quantities of food (cheap though), PB&J sandwiches at lunch, and pretty good weather.
Jan 16 - Bears Lair with the snowboarding people, drunk guacamole/chips and fried rice.. epic talks til 5am
Jan 17 - Birthday Night out in SF. Kristen, me, Sarah, Anu, Kevin, and Paget cram into my car and we finally get to Union Square around 10:15ish.. Luckily I prepartied perfectly so I was set all night (only had one Corona in the club). Bad part: line outside was huge so we waited for 2 hours and Megan and Audrey left before we got in! But, club was very nice inside, good music, and apparently I danced with a few people. I think I was tired from boarding and long talks.. Jack in the Box on the way home. Passed out on futon eating tacos and watching TV.
Jan 18 - 19 - drove home to PG for Dr's appointment on Monday (MLK Day). Had cioppino at Fish Market in SJ with mom and grandparents which was delicious, despite grandma's dementia and tot's very, very slow moving-ness. Poor grandma. Had nice Thai lunch with mom in downtown PG, did laundry/tried unsuccessfully to connect to the internet, and drove back up to Berkeley at night. I know 101 way too well from this drive and driving to my dad's. I seriously know every turn off, place to get snacks/gas, and other random sights to see on the way..
Jan 20 - first day of class. Got up early after a couple hours of sleep to watch the Inauguration on Sproul.. exciting! Went to class a little. Went to SF with Kristen, Anu, Anu's friend, and Paget to get free makeup at department stores and eat at Cheesecake Factory.. Awesome night. Though karma always comes around and we had to park/walk through Tenderloin. Then while going to meet everyone at Becketts later I took the wrong bus/chased after a bus so I was all sweaty. But Becketts was fun, though I'm no trivia help.

And today I woke very confused and half in my clothes - I guess I had more beer than I thought. But made it to PE Resistance Training, then 151, then Film 50. I think Film 50 will be an awesome class; though we had to watch 'window water baby moving' (someone giving birth, in an artsy way). sort of disturbing. remind me to adopt.
Then I hung around at the apartment trying to figure out how to do all these errands that never seem to end. I feel much less stressed out when I don't have a long To Do List. I bring it on myself though. And I wish I wasn't so fucking broke. I think about money almost as much as I think about losing weight, and that's a lot. So, I plan on selling my Bus Class Pass, am about to sell a few textbooks, and maybe get paid to answer surveys. Eh, maybe not the last one. And, I made a nice schedule for myself, including the Half-Marathon training, RSF classes I like to go to, and my PE classes. I don't think I'll make the tennis try-outs though, esp with my knee swelling not going down. I think it's because its raining. My knee is better than a barometer. If you've had surgery like this, you know what I mean.

I've done a lot of life reflecting recently so perhaps I don't need to vent it here! imagine that.

But I do need to keep my priorities straight this semester. No regrets allowed.
1. School
2. Job
3. Health
4. Club stuff...

Focus on keeping up in classes and all the projects. Focus on interviewing for jobs and/or peace corps stuff. Focus on training for the Half Marathon in April (!!!) and overall working out and eating good (kickboxing, tennis, resistance training, bike). And lastly keep up with club responsibilities, which I truly hope to shave down to like 6 hours a week max (much better than my usual, like, 20). And, in between all the above hang out with friends as much as possible, do all the things and see all the places on my berkeley bucket list, and have fun. Again, no regrets allowed.

I realized how much I enjoy snowboarding last week.
Must Go Again.

boring, good. easy, bad

Ah, I like being bored.

So I was thinking, I should recap my life for the past week. This is really exciting.

Mon Dec 29 - I forget. Most likely... read my book (Papillon). Played tennis with my dad. Fell asleep while I and the family watched Planet Earth (Caves).

Tues Dec 30 - Ran for an hour to Oak View. Couldn't find a water fountain around the baseball field/YMCA building. Shouldn't there be a public fountain near those kinds of facilities? Grocery shopped? Played Cribbage.

Wed Dec 31 - Drove to LA and met up with Ahrhan. Went to Together As One, had the time of my life :) . I got to dance to my heart's content .. like 8 hours. I wasn't quite decked out in the right clothing and felt a little bit too old for the crowd, but it didn't matter. Good time was had by all. Played Obama clips at the stroke of midnight - big year of change is here!

Thurs Dec 1 - Still at TAO til 6am. Place I was going to stay at in LA didn't work out so I drove home, got here around 7:30am. Stupid idea but nothing bad happened luckily and there wasn't any traffic. Showered and slept a couple hours. Forget what I did. Fell asleep while reading book at 7pm.

Fri Dec 2 - Slept in til like noon. 15 hours? I was more tired than I thought. Went to the theatres and saw Yes Man (Jim Carrey). Was pretty funny and the 'carpe diem'-ish themes definitely ring true. Finished book.

Sat Dec 3 - Got up late again. Painted rock climbing wall with fam in backyard. Went to Ventura and found jeans that actually fit, sweatshirt I'm wearing now, and headband (broke both my other ones). Watched The Producers (1968 version) - Mel Brooks is/was a pretty corny dude. Watched Zoolander on laptop.

Sun Dec 4 - Went to church. This must be some record - made it to church 3 times this break. Videotaped my little brother playing 6th grade basketball game. Played tennis with dad. Used very old racket that I regripped. Worked super good, perhaps because the grip is 4 1/4. I have small hands. It makes me sad to think, this whole time, I've been sucking because my racket's grip is too big. My serves were way better. Anyways, worked out in the gym. Ate meatloaf. Been working on a crossword all day that I'm about to go find if the parents haven't finished it yet. Did more work today for iaeste/rcsa... it's not that I have much work. It's just that it's always ongoing. Actually, the less work I have the less I work on it. Thus, I create this 'ongoing' aspect all by myself. Not a masochist, just lazy I guess. I think lazy is one of the worst things to be, just after evil. Wait, I'll look up the seven deadly sins and compare:

Lust (not that bad, unless we're talking incest/adultery/rape)

Gluttony (again, not that bad either. I look at it from the glass half full angle: it's a strength to have self control and sacrifice to give what you have in excess to those in need)

Greed (in today's society, more like a given. Working for more money is widely accepted and encouraged. But, to manipulate or steal goes a bit too far)

Sloth (AKA Lazy. Apparently, according to wikipedia it is 'considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than commission'. I beg to differ. Not utilizing one's talents is the ultimate disrespect to oneself and everyone who has given their time and energy to help you become the person you are today. Although there isn't a way to measure the disuse of a person's gifts at a given event or over the course of their lifetime.. I think deep down we all know when we're just being 'lazy'. And isn't a sin of omission just the same as one of action? It's even easier to do. And maybe I'm crazy, but I always find the best things were the hardest to do. Not that committing a particularly difficult sin means it is 'better'. More that living a easy life without difficult choices is too easy. And I mean easy with a negative connotation, like a prostitute. I guess my view is that living an easy life - whether sinful or virtuous - is undesirable. Even trust-fund babies had the option to make a life for themselves. A complicated, confusing life where nothing is black and white. That's when life isn't easy. That's the reality most of us face. And that's also what many of us try to escape. I understand why.. our mind naturally makes shortcuts and associations so we don't have to make the same decisions over again that we have already made. But, at what point does brain cruise control go too far and we stop thinking for ourselves? I guess I'll never know. All you can do is be aware of one's habit to slip into habits and always seek new stimuation. Or, just dream big and never give up)

Wrath (ok, I concede this is pretty bad. Perhaps the worst, since it leads to violence. Interesting.. suicide is like the ultimate expression of wrath inwardly, 'a final rejection of God's gifts')

Envy (medium bad-level. Sort of an extension of greed, but involves wanting another person to be depived of something. I don't like envious people at all. But, as long as they don't do anything they're only torturing themselves)

Pride (this one is tough. The original sin. The sin that always brings down the main character in all ancient plays. But, in today's world, like greed, it seems to be the norm. I like the word hubris better. I would agree though, in excess, hubris reaches a high bad-level. It leads to hatred and vanity. These are horrible traits. And according to wikipedia, hubris leads to all the other sins. Not sure if I believe that, but I'm sure there's a way to twist it around so it's true. If so, then it definitely has to be the worst sin)

So in conclusion, there is no conclusion. Just an exploration of ideas. I always tell myself, It's not the destination, but the journey that matters. Actually, I think that was my quote in the yearbook. When I think 'explore', I think 'research'. Yet I don't want to go into academia. Doesn't seem rewarding to write a 1000 page paper that, if I wrote it or not, did not change one person's life significantly. I guess that's why working and seeing tangible results seems more appealing. Yet, getting lost in a large company and again, having my work ultimately have no impact on anything is also scary.

Back to lighter subjects. Life is so great when you don't wear makeup every day and don't have a laundry list of responsibilities. I bit my lip really bad and it's still bothering me.. ugh. My knee is bothersome too. I really wish I had done rehab more diligently. That will be one of the greatest regrets of my life, most likely. I wish I could see into the future better. I will try to work on that.

Being around my brothers is a strange way to revisit my childhood. I think about things I haven't thought about in a long time. Middle/High school stuff. I think it's stuff I don't really want to think about. That's why I find it hard to dig up feelings and memories from those times. They're already buried. Or, I never had a good long term memory in the first place. Seeing my brother play basketball, I started to think about when I played soccer and basketball, played in band, did gymnastics, and my day to day life during elementary and middle school. I was so damn scared. So scared, all the time. Scared to mess up, meet new people, be embarassed. I misspelled words on purpose so I wouldn't have to be in the spelling bee. I hated solos with a vengeance. I can see where I got it. My mom made me take swimming lessons as a kid til I was at the synchronized swimming level, to alleviate her fears of me drowning. I wish there were pills I could've taken to get rid of my self-consciousness. That time would have been so much more enjoyable if I realized no one gives a crap about what you do, say, and look like. It's hard being a pre-teen/teenage girl. But I didn't die so I guess I must be stronger from it all. If the saying's true.

But it's those kids that were so prideful that seemed to have no problem during these years. Again, committing the original sin seems to not be such a bad thing.

-----Two favorite Taos-----

Las Vegas: looking off the balcony from Tao. Awesome night.




















TAO: midnight on New Year's Eve.. a good view of the sea of crazy-ass kids. Also, epic night.