So I was thinking, I should recap my life for the past week. This is really exciting.
Mon Dec 29 - I forget. Most likely... read my book (Papillon). Played tennis with my dad. Fell asleep while I and the family watched Planet Earth (Caves).
Tues Dec 30 - Ran for an hour to Oak View. Couldn't find a water fountain around the baseball field/YMCA building. Shouldn't there be a public fountain near those kinds of facilities? Grocery shopped? Played Cribbage.
Wed Dec 31 - Drove to LA and met up with Ahrhan. Went to Together As One, had the time of my life :) . I got to dance to my heart's content .. like 8 hours. I wasn't quite decked out in the right clothing and felt a little bit too old for the crowd, but it didn't matter. Good time was had by all. Played Obama clips at the stroke of midnight - big year of change is here!
Thurs Dec 1 - Still at TAO til 6am. Place I was going to stay at in LA didn't work out so I drove home, got here around 7:30am. Stupid idea but nothing bad happened luckily and there wasn't any traffic. Showered and slept a couple hours. Forget what I did. Fell asleep while reading book at 7pm.
Fri Dec 2 - Slept in til like noon. 15 hours? I was more tired than I thought. Went to the theatres and saw Yes Man (Jim Carrey). Was pretty funny and the 'carpe diem'-ish themes definitely ring true. Finished book.
Sat Dec 3 - Got up late again. Painted rock climbing wall with fam in backyard. Went to Ventura and found jeans that actually fit, sweatshirt I'm wearing now, and headband (broke both my other ones). Watched The Producers (1968 version) - Mel Brooks is/was a pretty corny dude. Watched Zoolander on laptop.
Sun Dec 4 - Went to church. This must be some record - made it to church 3 times this break. Videotaped my little brother playing 6th grade basketball game. Played tennis with dad. Used very old racket that I regripped. Worked super good, perhaps because the grip is 4 1/4. I have small hands. It makes me sad to think, this whole time, I've been sucking because my racket's grip is too big. My serves were way better. Anyways, worked out in the gym. Ate meatloaf. Been working on a crossword all day that I'm about to go find if the parents haven't finished it yet. Did more work today for iaeste/rcsa... it's not that I have much work. It's just that it's always ongoing. Actually, the less work I have the less I work on it. Thus, I create this 'ongoing' aspect all by myself. Not a masochist, just lazy I guess. I think lazy is one of the worst things to be, just after evil. Wait, I'll look up the seven deadly sins and compare:
Lust (not that bad, unless we're talking incest/adultery/rape)
Gluttony (again, not that bad either. I look at it from the glass half full angle: it's a strength to have self control and sacrifice to give what you have in excess to those in need)
Greed (in today's society, more like a given. Working for more money is widely accepted and encouraged. But, to manipulate or steal goes a bit too far)
Sloth (AKA Lazy. Apparently, according to wikipedia it is 'considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than commission'. I beg to differ. Not utilizing one's talents is the ultimate disrespect to oneself and everyone who has given their time and energy to help you become the person you are today. Although there isn't a way to measure the disuse of a person's gifts at a given event or over the course of their lifetime.. I think deep down we all know when we're just being 'lazy'. And isn't a sin of omission just the same as one of action? It's even easier to do. And maybe I'm crazy, but I always find the best things were the hardest to do. Not that committing a particularly difficult sin means it is 'better'. More that living a easy life without difficult choices is too easy. And I mean easy with a negative connotation, like a prostitute. I guess my view is that living an easy life - whether sinful or virtuous - is undesirable. Even trust-fund babies had the option to make a life for themselves. A complicated, confusing life where nothing is black and white. That's when life isn't easy. That's the reality most of us face. And that's also what many of us try to escape. I understand why.. our mind naturally makes shortcuts and associations so we don't have to make the same decisions over again that we have already made. But, at what point does brain cruise control go too far and we stop thinking for ourselves? I guess I'll never know. All you can do is be aware of one's habit to slip into habits and always seek new stimuation. Or, just dream big and never give up)
Wrath (ok, I concede this is pretty bad. Perhaps the worst, since it leads to violence. Interesting.. suicide is like the ultimate expression of wrath inwardly, 'a final rejection of God's gifts')
Envy (medium bad-level. Sort of an extension of greed, but involves wanting another person to be depived of something. I don't like envious people at all. But, as long as they don't do anything they're only torturing themselves)
Pride (this one is tough. The original sin. The sin that always brings down the main character in all ancient plays. But, in today's world, like greed, it seems to be the norm. I like the word hubris better. I would agree though, in excess, hubris reaches a high bad-level. It leads to hatred and vanity. These are horrible traits. And according to wikipedia, hubris leads to all the other sins. Not sure if I believe that, but I'm sure there's a way to twist it around so it's true. If so, then it definitely has to be the worst sin)
So in conclusion, there is no conclusion. Just an exploration of ideas. I always tell myself, It's not the destination, but the journey that matters. Actually, I think that was my quote in the yearbook. When I think 'explore', I think 'research'. Yet I don't want to go into academia. Doesn't seem rewarding to write a 1000 page paper that, if I wrote it or not, did not change one person's life significantly. I guess that's why working and seeing tangible results seems more appealing. Yet, getting lost in a large company and again, having my work ultimately have no impact on anything is also scary.
Back to lighter subjects. Life is so great when you don't wear makeup every day and don't have a laundry list of responsibilities. I bit my lip really bad and it's still bothering me.. ugh. My knee is bothersome too. I really wish I had done rehab more diligently. That will be one of the greatest regrets of my life, most likely. I wish I could see into the future better. I will try to work on that.
Being around my brothers is a strange way to revisit my childhood. I think about things I haven't thought about in a long time. Middle/High school stuff. I think it's stuff I don't really want to think about. That's why I find it hard to dig up feelings and memories from those times. They're already buried. Or, I never had a good long term memory in the first place. Seeing my brother play basketball, I started to think about when I played soccer and basketball, played in band, did gymnastics, and my day to day life during elementary and middle school. I was so damn scared. So scared, all the time. Scared to mess up, meet new people, be embarassed. I misspelled words on purpose so I wouldn't have to be in the spelling bee. I hated solos with a vengeance. I can see where I got it. My mom made me take swimming lessons as a kid til I was at the synchronized swimming level, to alleviate her fears of me drowning. I wish there were pills I could've taken to get rid of my self-consciousness. That time would have been so much more enjoyable if I realized no one gives a crap about what you do, say, and look like. It's hard being a pre-teen/teenage girl. But I didn't die so I guess I must be stronger from it all. If the saying's true.
But it's those kids that were so prideful that seemed to have no problem during these years. Again, committing the original sin seems to not be such a bad thing.
-----Two favorite Taos-----
Las Vegas: looking off the balcony from Tao. Awesome night.
TAO: midnight on New Year's Eve.. a good view of the sea of crazy-ass kids. Also, epic night.
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