go big

So.. school has started again. I really wanted to recap the past couple weeks though, because they've been pretty memorable!

Jan 7ish I drove back up to PG and went to a few Dr. appointments for Peace Corps stuff.. the dentist ladies were excited I could teach kids in Africa about proper brushing and flossing techniques. They will send me mass floss since it's probably hard to come by.
Jan 10th - turn 22. Strange age, not very exciting. Went out to Peter B's and Crown and Anchor in Monterey with Megan. Last call is like 1am and we went to Taco Bell. Monterey is lame...
Jan 11 - drove up to Berkeley and unpacked/organized my room/cleaned for like 15 hours through the night. Pretty sure I have OCD.
Jan 12 - 15 - went on snowboarding trip to Tahoe (Squaw) with 11 other people! It was great fun! Lots of drinking, hot tubs, 3 days straight boarding!, my knee is still a bit tight, cramming everyone/gear in two cars, In N Out, Truth or Dare, King's Cup, cooking mass quantities of food (cheap though), PB&J sandwiches at lunch, and pretty good weather.
Jan 16 - Bears Lair with the snowboarding people, drunk guacamole/chips and fried rice.. epic talks til 5am
Jan 17 - Birthday Night out in SF. Kristen, me, Sarah, Anu, Kevin, and Paget cram into my car and we finally get to Union Square around 10:15ish.. Luckily I prepartied perfectly so I was set all night (only had one Corona in the club). Bad part: line outside was huge so we waited for 2 hours and Megan and Audrey left before we got in! But, club was very nice inside, good music, and apparently I danced with a few people. I think I was tired from boarding and long talks.. Jack in the Box on the way home. Passed out on futon eating tacos and watching TV.
Jan 18 - 19 - drove home to PG for Dr's appointment on Monday (MLK Day). Had cioppino at Fish Market in SJ with mom and grandparents which was delicious, despite grandma's dementia and tot's very, very slow moving-ness. Poor grandma. Had nice Thai lunch with mom in downtown PG, did laundry/tried unsuccessfully to connect to the internet, and drove back up to Berkeley at night. I know 101 way too well from this drive and driving to my dad's. I seriously know every turn off, place to get snacks/gas, and other random sights to see on the way..
Jan 20 - first day of class. Got up early after a couple hours of sleep to watch the Inauguration on Sproul.. exciting! Went to class a little. Went to SF with Kristen, Anu, Anu's friend, and Paget to get free makeup at department stores and eat at Cheesecake Factory.. Awesome night. Though karma always comes around and we had to park/walk through Tenderloin. Then while going to meet everyone at Becketts later I took the wrong bus/chased after a bus so I was all sweaty. But Becketts was fun, though I'm no trivia help.

And today I woke very confused and half in my clothes - I guess I had more beer than I thought. But made it to PE Resistance Training, then 151, then Film 50. I think Film 50 will be an awesome class; though we had to watch 'window water baby moving' (someone giving birth, in an artsy way). sort of disturbing. remind me to adopt.
Then I hung around at the apartment trying to figure out how to do all these errands that never seem to end. I feel much less stressed out when I don't have a long To Do List. I bring it on myself though. And I wish I wasn't so fucking broke. I think about money almost as much as I think about losing weight, and that's a lot. So, I plan on selling my Bus Class Pass, am about to sell a few textbooks, and maybe get paid to answer surveys. Eh, maybe not the last one. And, I made a nice schedule for myself, including the Half-Marathon training, RSF classes I like to go to, and my PE classes. I don't think I'll make the tennis try-outs though, esp with my knee swelling not going down. I think it's because its raining. My knee is better than a barometer. If you've had surgery like this, you know what I mean.

I've done a lot of life reflecting recently so perhaps I don't need to vent it here! imagine that.

But I do need to keep my priorities straight this semester. No regrets allowed.
1. School
2. Job
3. Health
4. Club stuff...

Focus on keeping up in classes and all the projects. Focus on interviewing for jobs and/or peace corps stuff. Focus on training for the Half Marathon in April (!!!) and overall working out and eating good (kickboxing, tennis, resistance training, bike). And lastly keep up with club responsibilities, which I truly hope to shave down to like 6 hours a week max (much better than my usual, like, 20). And, in between all the above hang out with friends as much as possible, do all the things and see all the places on my berkeley bucket list, and have fun. Again, no regrets allowed.

I realized how much I enjoy snowboarding last week.
Must Go Again.

boring, good. easy, bad

Ah, I like being bored.

So I was thinking, I should recap my life for the past week. This is really exciting.

Mon Dec 29 - I forget. Most likely... read my book (Papillon). Played tennis with my dad. Fell asleep while I and the family watched Planet Earth (Caves).

Tues Dec 30 - Ran for an hour to Oak View. Couldn't find a water fountain around the baseball field/YMCA building. Shouldn't there be a public fountain near those kinds of facilities? Grocery shopped? Played Cribbage.

Wed Dec 31 - Drove to LA and met up with Ahrhan. Went to Together As One, had the time of my life :) . I got to dance to my heart's content .. like 8 hours. I wasn't quite decked out in the right clothing and felt a little bit too old for the crowd, but it didn't matter. Good time was had by all. Played Obama clips at the stroke of midnight - big year of change is here!

Thurs Dec 1 - Still at TAO til 6am. Place I was going to stay at in LA didn't work out so I drove home, got here around 7:30am. Stupid idea but nothing bad happened luckily and there wasn't any traffic. Showered and slept a couple hours. Forget what I did. Fell asleep while reading book at 7pm.

Fri Dec 2 - Slept in til like noon. 15 hours? I was more tired than I thought. Went to the theatres and saw Yes Man (Jim Carrey). Was pretty funny and the 'carpe diem'-ish themes definitely ring true. Finished book.

Sat Dec 3 - Got up late again. Painted rock climbing wall with fam in backyard. Went to Ventura and found jeans that actually fit, sweatshirt I'm wearing now, and headband (broke both my other ones). Watched The Producers (1968 version) - Mel Brooks is/was a pretty corny dude. Watched Zoolander on laptop.

Sun Dec 4 - Went to church. This must be some record - made it to church 3 times this break. Videotaped my little brother playing 6th grade basketball game. Played tennis with dad. Used very old racket that I regripped. Worked super good, perhaps because the grip is 4 1/4. I have small hands. It makes me sad to think, this whole time, I've been sucking because my racket's grip is too big. My serves were way better. Anyways, worked out in the gym. Ate meatloaf. Been working on a crossword all day that I'm about to go find if the parents haven't finished it yet. Did more work today for iaeste/rcsa... it's not that I have much work. It's just that it's always ongoing. Actually, the less work I have the less I work on it. Thus, I create this 'ongoing' aspect all by myself. Not a masochist, just lazy I guess. I think lazy is one of the worst things to be, just after evil. Wait, I'll look up the seven deadly sins and compare:

Lust (not that bad, unless we're talking incest/adultery/rape)

Gluttony (again, not that bad either. I look at it from the glass half full angle: it's a strength to have self control and sacrifice to give what you have in excess to those in need)

Greed (in today's society, more like a given. Working for more money is widely accepted and encouraged. But, to manipulate or steal goes a bit too far)

Sloth (AKA Lazy. Apparently, according to wikipedia it is 'considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than commission'. I beg to differ. Not utilizing one's talents is the ultimate disrespect to oneself and everyone who has given their time and energy to help you become the person you are today. Although there isn't a way to measure the disuse of a person's gifts at a given event or over the course of their lifetime.. I think deep down we all know when we're just being 'lazy'. And isn't a sin of omission just the same as one of action? It's even easier to do. And maybe I'm crazy, but I always find the best things were the hardest to do. Not that committing a particularly difficult sin means it is 'better'. More that living a easy life without difficult choices is too easy. And I mean easy with a negative connotation, like a prostitute. I guess my view is that living an easy life - whether sinful or virtuous - is undesirable. Even trust-fund babies had the option to make a life for themselves. A complicated, confusing life where nothing is black and white. That's when life isn't easy. That's the reality most of us face. And that's also what many of us try to escape. I understand why.. our mind naturally makes shortcuts and associations so we don't have to make the same decisions over again that we have already made. But, at what point does brain cruise control go too far and we stop thinking for ourselves? I guess I'll never know. All you can do is be aware of one's habit to slip into habits and always seek new stimuation. Or, just dream big and never give up)

Wrath (ok, I concede this is pretty bad. Perhaps the worst, since it leads to violence. Interesting.. suicide is like the ultimate expression of wrath inwardly, 'a final rejection of God's gifts')

Envy (medium bad-level. Sort of an extension of greed, but involves wanting another person to be depived of something. I don't like envious people at all. But, as long as they don't do anything they're only torturing themselves)

Pride (this one is tough. The original sin. The sin that always brings down the main character in all ancient plays. But, in today's world, like greed, it seems to be the norm. I like the word hubris better. I would agree though, in excess, hubris reaches a high bad-level. It leads to hatred and vanity. These are horrible traits. And according to wikipedia, hubris leads to all the other sins. Not sure if I believe that, but I'm sure there's a way to twist it around so it's true. If so, then it definitely has to be the worst sin)

So in conclusion, there is no conclusion. Just an exploration of ideas. I always tell myself, It's not the destination, but the journey that matters. Actually, I think that was my quote in the yearbook. When I think 'explore', I think 'research'. Yet I don't want to go into academia. Doesn't seem rewarding to write a 1000 page paper that, if I wrote it or not, did not change one person's life significantly. I guess that's why working and seeing tangible results seems more appealing. Yet, getting lost in a large company and again, having my work ultimately have no impact on anything is also scary.

Back to lighter subjects. Life is so great when you don't wear makeup every day and don't have a laundry list of responsibilities. I bit my lip really bad and it's still bothering me.. ugh. My knee is bothersome too. I really wish I had done rehab more diligently. That will be one of the greatest regrets of my life, most likely. I wish I could see into the future better. I will try to work on that.

Being around my brothers is a strange way to revisit my childhood. I think about things I haven't thought about in a long time. Middle/High school stuff. I think it's stuff I don't really want to think about. That's why I find it hard to dig up feelings and memories from those times. They're already buried. Or, I never had a good long term memory in the first place. Seeing my brother play basketball, I started to think about when I played soccer and basketball, played in band, did gymnastics, and my day to day life during elementary and middle school. I was so damn scared. So scared, all the time. Scared to mess up, meet new people, be embarassed. I misspelled words on purpose so I wouldn't have to be in the spelling bee. I hated solos with a vengeance. I can see where I got it. My mom made me take swimming lessons as a kid til I was at the synchronized swimming level, to alleviate her fears of me drowning. I wish there were pills I could've taken to get rid of my self-consciousness. That time would have been so much more enjoyable if I realized no one gives a crap about what you do, say, and look like. It's hard being a pre-teen/teenage girl. But I didn't die so I guess I must be stronger from it all. If the saying's true.

But it's those kids that were so prideful that seemed to have no problem during these years. Again, committing the original sin seems to not be such a bad thing.

-----Two favorite Taos-----

Las Vegas: looking off the balcony from Tao. Awesome night.




















TAO: midnight on New Year's Eve.. a good view of the sea of crazy-ass kids. Also, epic night.

diner dash 2

so i just beat diner dash 2.. i live a sad life these days. i really did mean to write more often since i made this blog. now i'll try again, seeing as there's still a few more weeks left of winter break and thus i don't have anything, technically, to do.



perhaps i can recap since dec 6.. had a crapload of projects due all at once. didn't sleep. then had three finals within four days. didn't study that much but they went alright. got drunk. barely made it home in time to make my flight at the monterey airport, only to find it was delayed a day because it was the worst snow in Vegas in like 50 years. made it out to vegas thursday night, instead of wednesday evening so i didn't get to stay with crystal. was in vegas thursday - sunday... gambled a teeny bit and learned about craps. drank all friday day. saw cirque du soleil - KA -- was crazy! walking around was difficult because it was like 30 degrees. went to Tryst. got my wallet stolen and made the unfortunate choice to drink patron. was sick all saturday day and couldn't leave the hotel room because everyone else went out and i didn't have a hotel key or cash or cards to buy food, so i didn't get better til i ate at 7pm.. really sucks. went to tao that night, which was really fun though.. eventful. best part was meeting some vancouver boys with bottle service. they were really nice/naive. then sunday was waiting around to leave basically. monday went out to eat for my mom's birthday.. wine paired with four courses, was a really good french restaurant. hung around in pg and watched like 3 movies every day. so great. re-watched entourage 'joshua tree' episode. i highly recommend it. drove down to ojai tuesday. filled up gas tank for $18! had christmas here wednesday night and, thank god, got a new laptop thursday morning! ideapad u330 -- what i'm using right now. keys are a bit harder to push so i feel like i'm typing slower. and after i happened to play a free trial of diner dash 2; my old addiction came back and so i downloaded the full version. just beat it, finally. the internet is slow so i can't watch youtube or tv online. played tennis yesterday, going to take one of annie's old rackets and regrip it i guess. today, walked with lana on this really nice trail that has a view of ojai and watched wall-e.



sadly, my rough plans to visit mirelle in durango aren't going to work. ahrhan has no money. i have no money. i spent $470ish on vegas. stupid me. most of it was plane/hotel/show. i wish money wasnt an issue. but it always is. i keep thinking of schemes to make money -- selling back my books, applying to random scholarships, tutoring, getting mealpoints and saving up. im not going to work at equilar again spring semester for several reasons. i calculated i could make about $1400 working 12hrs/week. but, i would have no life, my days would be booked 9-6 every day basically. which leaves no free time gaps to schedule job interviews, group projects, etc. i think ideally i want to work somewhere i can study at the same time. too bad i didn't apply to be an SM or library booth sitter. i think they've already hired. crap.



it's strange, people's opinions on the peace corps. i think i've come to the conclusion that i shouldn't care what people think. which is hard for me. but, in general the people that are supportive are people that i like. people that i feel are like me and value the same types of things. its not that many people arent supportive, but those that seem not as excited are either really professionally, money driven. its not about success, its about happiness. because to be happy or to make other people happy is the goal, right? and i'm over trying to predict what life will hand me. i think i've changed a lot. i don't want to scan through every radio station and then pick the one that was playing the song i liked the most. i want to scan til i find a station that has something i like then stop. i dont want to need to know the other radio stations. plus, i get to listen to that song longer. if that makes sense. i want to be happy with what i have, not always trying to get better. in my brain, this idea connects with that of a career. i think the most life changing experiences are the results of something random. as long as i put myself out there and have options, something will come along and i'll just know. it'll just feel right. perhaps i have too much faith in my own intuition, but what else do we have? i know how to analyze something up and down, but in the end i think gut feelings always makes the best decisions. at least, ones you don't regret, no matter the outcome.



i think what i'm trying to say is that i feel i know what i want to do. i feel it more than i feel about other prospects, by far. and it's not to be an escapist or just put the difficult issues and decisions on the backburner. i really feel like this is what i was meant to do. yet, i will feel like a douche when i accept a stupid job offer in the next few months. perhaps i'm just subconsciously bombing all my efforts because my heart really isn't into it. that's a good excuse for the rents.



last night i was looking at old pictures til like 6am. im mentally preparing myself for graduation. but its still strange to look back and think of it as the past. although it does seem like a very long time ago i lived in dorms and didn't know how things worked in bezerkeley. i'm glad i've had such an eventful run. a while ago a couple people asked what i've been doing because my life is 'exciting and so i have a lot of crazy stories'. i never thought about myself like that. do i have a crazy life? it is pretty nonstop and the randomest things do seem to happen to me. i dont think i do. no more than any other 21 year old college student. work hard play hard. sunday-thursday friday-saturday. i dont think i've done homework on a weekend for a couple years now. i think i've made that rep for myself though. ever since high school i've been wanting to shed my shy, nerdy self. and august 05 thats exactly what i did, and i never looked back.



thats why i like to take pictures. i only remember the events a few years back, if i have photos. at least, free recall. otherwise, i need someone else to bring it up. sad. the mind is a precious thing. i think thats why my second biggest fear is forgetting. i would say, my first biggest is the unknown. unknown applies to lots of things, the future being the biggest and perhaps also death. but i dont think i 'fear' death, i just dont like the idea of not knowing. but as for forgetting, that scares me a lot. it ties into making an impact on the world and making my life worthwhile. i wish i had taken philosophy classes. though, they might've been rote memorization of someone else's bullshit and that wouldn't be helpful. i'll console myself with that. but yes, i had to grow up fast. see things that make you think about life - what it is, what is means to be alive, what to do about it. i guess it's something we all go through, just depends when. for me, early. for others, perhaps when they're 45 and have a mid life crisis. glad i already had mine. i hope.



i wonder what my third biggest fear is... i'll have to think about that. spiders, public speaking, rejection, failing... perhaps rejection. that encompasses a lot. I like the number 3. i've decided that i'm going to utilize 3's more often.. but i've always liked 3. when i wanted to be an artist as a kid, i made a symbol for myself kind of like a 3. i imagined it'd be what i branded on my cattle if i owned a ranch, too. but anyways, 3 is great for powerpoint bullets, memorizing 3 main points to emphasize, everything! its even in my email address. i was thinking about that the other day. completing my childhood dreams... what i wanted to be when i grew up: artist, movie director, financial businessperson, engineer. now, i'm IEOR and still don't know. perhaps i should be an artist like i always wanted, photographer or abstract painter. work for a movie studio on special effects then somehow become director. these dreams ended as i became more aware of money. all of a sudden i thought career meant making money. and movies arent that stable or have a clear career path. and now, i feel more drawn to social entrepreneurship. according to those personality tests that i was temporarily obsessed with a couple years ago, i should be a social worker. i'm an idealist/teacher. i dunno about the teacher part though, i'm actually quite worried that i'll suck as a teacher. i've had too many bad ones to not be scared of that. and, kids used to stare at me but in recent years they dont give me a second glance. ok, that sounds weird. basically, for example in restaurants i'd always notice the toddler or baby over the shoulder of a parent looking right at me. yes, i know kids do that, but i'd say they'd do that to me more than anybody else in the room. perhaps because i looked like a kid too. never quite figured that out. and in general, i just treat kids like they're adults, no matter how old. because when i was a kid, i didn't like being talked down to by adults. but, from an adult perspective, i think i need to have that special kid voice with them. make jokes, but easy ones. bargain, but with simple devices. take authority, when you don't have any actually. i dont know how to do that properly. i guess because i always appreciated interacting with adults that treated me as equal even if i was a fraction of their age.



hm i'm still unsure about the format of this blog. i don't like its unstructured-ness. perhaps i should google something that will throw out daily topics and then i can go off on tangents every day based on a word. its not that i cant think of any. its more that i want a theme.



i guess its nice getting to know oneself better. thats what the whole interview process does for you. but in the end, since we all change as we grow older, i dont want to convince myself that this is what i am. the more you identify yourself with something, the more you want it to be true. and on grey issues, you may end up siding just because you always have. but then again.. it is your choices that make you. so, its kind of a cycle. you make choices, choices make you want to be a certain way, you are a certain way because of these choices, and so on. crap. what if you jump into the wrong circle. cant really break out of this one it seems. unless you have a dramatic experience or intervention. moroccan christmas - the office.



too bad the land line doesnt work in here. not sure why it doesnt. i could be watching abc.com instead of playing diner dash 2. oh yeah i need to write out my life bucket list, and my berkeley bucket list. before i forget things like: learn to play guitar, niagra falls, skydive, build an island for the homeless.



alright my hair is wet and i need to get up at 830. i wish i could return to the good old days, when life was simple. no one tells you in 3rd grade to 'appreciate recess while you can kiddo! this'll be the last time you'll ever have such guilt-free, uncomplicated bliss for the rest of your life!'

The time is now?

I've been thinking about making a blog.. and so I guess the time is now. A few days before final projects and finals take place, of course. I feel that timing doesn't really matter these days, as I always have a stack of things to do at any given time. It's more, making things priorities when deadlines approach more than timing my tasks when the time is best for each. Sadly.

I wish I had a blog all throughout college. Starting one with one semester to go isn't too great, but hopefully I'll keep it up. Reflecting back is always fun and perhaps will prevent mental breakdowns.

So right now, I had one of those 'me' time days. Went to the last football game and it was kind of nostalgic and surreal. I mean, I'm kind of over going to these games, they're not special anymore I guess. I think this is a good thing though, it's like I've accumulated so much Berkeley baggage these years it will feel nice starting over somewhere after graduation. It's like driving around your hometown, or in my case, either PG or Ojai, and imagining that if you had a friend visiting from school or abroad, all the stories you could tell them as you pass by certain buildings/people. I've gotten to the point in Berkeley that pretty much anything I here I have a funny story to tell. Like 'Summer 07' stories, crazy nights, projects, drama, random run-ins, etc. Well, mainly crazy night stories I guess. I feel like I have so many that my memories blend together. It will be really lonely to try to remember these accurately after graduation, if I don't have anyone around that was there with me to fact-check. And in comparison to HS memories, these are much more... dynamic stories.

So I'm watching Harry Potter on TV now. Last night was fun though - RCSA party where I turned from the babysitter to the babysittee.. I awoke to find uneaten chicken La Burrita super nachos, 1/4 empty huge Ice Tea can, and in the same clothes from the night before. sigh, c'est la vie of me. At least I wasn't on the futon with the TV blaring.

It's hard to believe how fast this semester passed.. Football games, Bears Lair, the dungeon, iaeste, rcsa, halloween, thanksgiving.. I think I studied once, for 150 midterm. which was basically just reading the relevant chapters in the book. It felt, surprisingly, really good to study. Which again makes me hate the berkeley baggage i've accumulated. I'm here to learn, to study.. and I barely have enough time to do that. I guess grad school sounds appealing because grad students really do get to concentrate on their work. But, i don't know if it's for me. perhaps mba would be more useful. i don't think i'm motivated enough at this point to go right into grad school. I need a break. From life. From humanity. Time is of the essence these days and no matter how efficient I am in juggling all the different things on my to do list, I can never get ahead. Never get a break. 100's of emails a day and i take on everyone else's worries. These stress me out, a lot. Berkeley baggage.

I want to read books. I want to watch movies. I want to learn something new every day. I am totally, completely out of the loop on current events and pop culture things today. The last time I was in a movie theatre.....?

I find this ridiculous and depressing. this isn't really a life, at least how I want to live it. I want to complete my Berkeley Bucket List because I never want to regret. I want to live in a way that regrets don't even exist. To attain that, I think I need to find enjoyment in the small things and accept randomness. A motto I cemented in my mind sophomore year was 'people are weird, I accept it'. I have really saved myself a lot of confusion and heartache by repeating this mantra when faced with strange people and their strange behavior. I highly recommend it. But anyways, my overambitious goal is to write a blog (however short it needs to be) every day. I hope this will calm my mind (prevent myself from going crazy), preserve some memories from being lost in my horrible memory, and so I reflect later upon how my outlook has changed.
The end.